


Only Human (Trigger Warning)

by fluffykitty12



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, aot
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicidal Themes, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-07-23 17:31:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 36,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7473264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffykitty12/pseuds/fluffykitty12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We can't have the kid transforming every time he stubs his damn toe!" Eren realized that day how much Squad Levi didn't trust him, he swore to control his transformations. So why did everyone panic when they saw the cuts on his arms? Why did Levi's expression turn from composed to fear? He was a weapon- he needed to bleed the monster out, one drop at a time. Trigger Warning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accident

**Author's Note:**

> Alright- I wanted to do a more angsty, realistic take on Eren leaning to control his transformations and adjusting to his new life with the scouting legion. He's fifteen, still a kid, seperated from the only people he's known, with the hopes of humanity on his shoulders. At some point, he has to buckle and fall- this fic is about his struggle to please others, and to accept himself for what he is as a person instead of a monster. TRIGGER WARNING; contains self-harm and self-hate, depressing themes.

He'd nearly cost himself everything, all because he'd gone titan while trying to reach a damn spoon. The unexpected transformation in itself had rattled him, leaving him exhausted- he'd barely managed to walk back to the castle dungeon without aid, stumbling and nearly falling several times, too tired to care about the incredibly hot glares his squadmates gave him.

Now, though, as he laid on the rickety bed in the cell, sleep eluded him.

They had been ready to kill him. All of them- everyone except Levi had had their blades out, shouting him down. It was disorienting enough to accidentally transform, let alone to come back to his senses to find everyone about to kill him...

Most of all, he was thankful for Levi. The man ordering his squad to back down was the only thing that'd saved the situation, and in all honesty- he felt safe around Levi, knowing the man would assess a situation involving his Titan form before trying to kill him.

After today, he couldn't say the same for the others.

"He transformed! What the hell did you expect us to do!? Hold his hand!?"

Someone was arguing atop the stairs, that much was clear. Whoever they were, they didn't know it, but it echoed down to the dungeons.

He winced at the yelling, recognizing Eld's gruff voice as he argued with the Captain.

"With all due respect, Sir- he was close to you. For all we knew, his goal was to eliminate you! We acted as the situation dictated..."

Petra? Petra's voice floated down too- Eren felt like dying when he realized Levi had assembled the entire squad to talk about what'd happened today...

"He doesn't understand his powers. You all saw the look on his face- he was startled- so how exactly would shouting him down help the situation?" Levi deadpanned. "Was it really necessary to threaten him with death?"

"Isn't that what this squad does, Sir?" Gunther's voice, low and calculated, sent something akin to shivers up his spine. "The boy is a titan."

"He's human. If he loses control- if and only _if_ \- I will be the one to cut him down. You understand me?" Levi's tone was gravely and grave, and while it reassured Eren- his stomach still churned when he realized his squadmates thought of him as a Titan, not human.

"And if you can't make the assessment in time? The kid's a damn weapon, Captain- whether or not he can control his ability is irrelevant. We can't have the kid transforming every time he stubs his damn toe!" Auruo spoke up harshly. Eren covered his ears against the harsh tone, fighting back the tears as the words echoed in his mind...

"Give me fifteen laps, soldier." Levi's voice was abrasive, and Eren cringed at his tone. There was a pregnant pause- "Are you deaf, Auruo?" Levi demanded, voice stone-cold.

"No, Sir." and the footsteps faded. He couldn't make out anymore conversation, though- they must've lowered their voices. Or else Levi had dismissed everyone.

He was left on the rough stone slab again, staring at the ceiling, hands rested behind her head. He wondered about the truth behind their words.

 _Are they right?_ he wondered quietly. He swallowed.

_I'm dangerous- I know that. I do my best as a soldier- but I'm not skilled like Mikasa. Compared to these guys- my skills are minimal. I wouldn't ever be in the Scout Regimine if it weren't for my Titan Ability. And even they don't trust me... How can we work as a damn team if they all hate me!?_

He jumped to his feet, punching the wall, frustrated. All he did was bloody his knuckles, and he strode over to the small sink of his bathroom, their distrust still echoing in his ears.

He leaned heavily on the sink, the blood trickling down his knuckles as he panted, frustrated. He was absolutely exhausted...

_This is your fault. he growled at himself, staring at the boy in the mirror. If only you could control your damn powers, you'd be the greatest asset to humanity! You'd actually be worth something!_

He fell to his knees on the ground, dissolving into sobs. _Why can't you be worth something?_

"I-I'll learn to control you." he growled, arms wrapped around himself, nails digging into his upper arms. He was speaking to the monster within himself, his voice husky with determination _"Even if I have to bleed you out one drop at a time."_

With his declaration made, he finally succumbed to exhaustion. And for a few sweet hours, Eren Jager was dead to the world.


	2. Tests

He woke up with everything fresh in his head, though his conviction had dulled to a simple throbbing. He sighed, turning his head and looking at the watch he'd left on his bedside table to keep time with. He still had twenty minutes before he had to appear at breakfast.

He was hungry, yes- but the thought of sitting with everyone at breakfast after yesterday made his stomach turn.

 _They don't trust me._ he thought, desolate. _I can't really blame them, though- who would trust me? No control, nothing special- I'm a liability more than anything. I won't be useful at all, until I can learn how to control it..._

His eyes fell closed. _If I even_ can _control it..._

The fear and uncertainty settled over his heart like a mist, before he sitting bolt upright, digging through his nightstand drawer like a madman.

 _I_ will _control it!_

He'd found the small folding knife, and he flipped out the blade carefully, swallowing as he stared at the cold metal. It was a standard-issue knife, useful in cutting cables of 3DM gear should they get tangled and sawing through ropes. It was so useful in everyday life, no one had even thought of taking it from him.

He wordlessly pressed the blade to his skin of his bicep carefully.

_Easy now. Just... don't turn into a titan. Don't disappoint them again._

A hiss of pain escaped from behind his grit teeth, and he looked down, surprised, to find he was still staring at his human skin- and that the cut was weeping blood.

He panted, shocked. _I-I did it. I'm human..._

He flopped back onto the bed, grinning, feeling ecstasy wash over him at the discovery.

"Yes..." his enthusiastic whisper lit the air in the room. "I can control it..."

But once wasn't good enough. He'd have to be sure he could control it before he showed it to anyone. Just one victory wasn't going to cut it.

Five slices later he was wiping off his knife before tossing it back into his nightstand drawer, pressing a bit of toilet paper to his arm to staunch the surprising amount of blood that'd leaked out. He dressed, being careful not to jostle his arm too much as he did so, making sure his wounds were covered by the sleeves of his shirt.

Fifteen minutes later he was waiting by his cell door, as always, for Levi to come and let him out. Then he was eating a morose breakfast with the Levi Squad.

More than once he caught his peers sending concerned glances his way, but he ignored them, focusing on his meal. The dull throbbing in his arm a reminder, he found himself constantly biting back a smile... _I can control it. I'll show them, I'll show them all..._

* * *

 

For the next three days, it became a training exercise of sorts for Eren. How often could he hurt himself and not go titan?

Sometimes, he'd nearly lose control. It was almost always when he was tired, nearing exhaustion- he found it the hardest to hold onto his human form after working with Hanji all day- exhaustion and desperation seemed to trigger the transformation more.

So most of his self-administered 'tests' took place at night, directly before bed. It was an intense struggle to stay the transformation process- more than once, he'd seen yellow sparks fly from his wounds and had to grit his teeth and physically fight his insides and instinct to keep his human form- but so far, he'd succeeded. Forty-five wounds covered the skin, divided over both his arms, a testament to his strength and fortitude. He was going to be an amazing soldier.

He obediently followed Levi down to the dungeon that night, ready to be locked in his cell as usual.

Levi had just finished securing the shackles and was about to leave when he noticed something on Eren's nightstand and frowned, moving over to pick it up. Eren realized with horror it was his pocket knife.

"Where did you get this?" Levi frowned, examining the knife critically before flicking his gaze over to Eren.

"It's standard issue, Sir- it came with my things when I was moved here. No one ever said anything about it, so I, uh... figured it was okay to keep it."

Levi wordlessly frowned, before sliding the blade into his pocket. "Do you have any other weapons?"

"No Sir- I- uh, can I have it back?" Eren was struggling to keep his sudden panic at bay, now. "I- it's really useful, if I get my 3DMG cables caught on stuff, or just when I'm doing chores in the barn, really..." _I need it to prove myself I need it to tame myself I have to have it to keep control..._

"No. While I don't doubt you can handle a knife, the courts were very specific in the parameters they set when they sent you to live with us. This could be considered a weapon- and the last thing we need is to give them an excuse to come and take you from us." Levi's gaze rested firmly upon Eren, as though he was waiting for some form of acknowledgement.

"Yes, Sir."

"Get some sleep."

And Levi was gone, leaving Eren alone with tears prickling in his eyes.

 _Even Levi doesn't trust you, you worthless piece of shit..._ his mind seemed to whisper. His skin itched, it was begging for pain, begging for another test he was still human...

Instead he turned so he was facing the wall and simply bit his lip, simply feeling the hot tears streak down his cheeks. After about a half an hour he ran out of tears, and fell into the murky blackness of sleep.


	3. Broken Glass

He didn't eat much breakfast the next morning, instead struggling to keep himself under control. His skin was crawling, begging for pain, and he wanted it, too, wanted to feel the hurt and realize he could control himself.

"Something wrong, Eren?" Levi asked, raising an eyebrow. The boy hadn't touched his food.

"No Sir." he forced a spoonful of porridge past his lips, forcing himself to swallow it. It stuck in his throat like led, but he couldn't really bring himself to care. Levi didn't push the subject, and he wordlessly plodded into the kitchen to help Petra with the dishes, as it was his turn.

"You alright, Eren? You seem sad..." Petra's eyes lingered on his face for a moment as she plunged her hands into the soapy water.

_No I'm not okay. I fucking need to bleed, I need the pain to keep me under control, you took my fucking knife and now you're pretending to care. I'm just a weapon to you._

Petra moved to rinse the bowl of suds only to have it slip from her hands.

Eren moved to catch it but was a second too late, instead only managing to grab onto shards as it shattered on the floor.

"Shit!" Petra's voice brought him back to reality. "Eren? Oh shit, you're bleeding..."

There was a deep cut in his palm from where he'd been hit by shards, but he wasn't really listening. His ears were ringing, he was biting his lip, instinctually fighting to urge to go titan from pain... But most of all, he felt the relief, the control of being able to handle the pain, overwhelming him.

"Stay here, alright? I'll get some bandages- just don't move."

Eren nodded absently, simply watching the crimson drip from his hand to the floor. With running footsteps, Petra was gone. The panic that'd been running around in his head slowly stopped, now, it was only rational thinking...

He wordlessly grabbed a few sharp-looking pieces of glass, sliding them into his pocket. They'd be useful later.

A moment later Petra was back with bandages, wrapping his hand gently. Eren was surprised for a moment that she'd even come close to him- wasn't she afraid she'd become a titan?

"Eren, why don't you go help with the horses in the stable or something after this." Petra asked as she ran his hand under some clean water. "It's probably best if I work alone in here..."

"If it's because you think I'm mad about the cut on my hand, I'm not. It was an accident- ah!" Petra managed to touch the cut in an especially painful spot with a dish towel, and Eren yanked his arm away, wincing and cradling it to his chest.

He looked up to see Petra's eyes filled with alarm, hand on the hilt of a kitchen knife, and realized it. She was afraid he'd turn into a titan.

"Eren?" she asked, still cautious.

Eren grit his teeth. "I'll be in the stables." was all he growled out between grit teeth, before taking the bandage from her hand and slipping out of the room.

He settled down on a haybale in the stables, wrapping his hand and trying to fight the myriad of thoughts bubbling up.

_She thinks you're a monster. They all do. Filthy goddamn titan- how can you expect to help humanity when you're simply worthless..._

He growled within his throat at himself, wordlessly rolling up his sleeve and drawing a shard of broken glass from his pocket, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger and examining it carefully, staring at his distorted reflection.

 _I_ can _control you..._ he growled, before the sharpened end descended on his arm, flesh parting, a hiss of pain nearly escaping his lips. Three wounds later, he was closing his eyes, hearing every single heartbeat as the blood pounded in his ears and sweet release, humanity in it's purest form- _pain_ \- coursed through him.

He nearly hard the approaching footsteps too late, yanking down his sleeve and scrambling to shove the shard of glass back into his pocket, barely managing to conceal it before Captain Levi had rounded the corner.

"Jager?"

"Sir?" Eren was on his feet, praying none of the blood beneath his sleeve trickled down to reveal itself.

"Are you alright?" Levi stopped short, eying the bloody bandage on the boy's hand.

"Yes Sir. I'm fine. Petra requested I work in the stables..."

Levi nodded, accepting the change with enough ease that Eren realized Petra must've sent him out to check on him. That stung.

"Water the horses and report to me when you're done."

"Yes Sir."

And Levi was gone.

* * *

 

That night as he laid in bed, sleeves rolled up, examining his arms- he realized how in control he actually was. Within four days, his arms had become covered in dozens of cuts- most shallow enough to scab over and begin to heal, some too deep to even begin to close. At least thirty wounds to an arm, he wondered if he'd reached the level of mastery he was hoping for yet when it came to control.

He wordlessly lifted his forearm to his mouth before biting down. Sparks flew and fizzled, only one thought dominated his mind- _human. Stay human..._

A moment later the burning he felt within his skin subsided, and there he was, as human as could be, with blood dripping from a bite mark on his arm. He grinned. He was nearly a master at controlling this. A few more tests to make sure he could handle biting before he'd show Squad Levi. They'd realize how skilled he was- how composed- and accept him. Everything would be alright again.


	4. Chapter 4

He was ready. He was practically out of space to cut and bite on his arms, it'd been nearly a week, after all, and he could finally show them. He was in total control.

He strode over to where the Levi Squad had assembled outside, nodding to Captain Levi himself.

"Jager. What the hell are you grinning like an idiot for?"

"I- I figured something out. Just don't kill me, alright? I'm in total control." as soon as the words were spoken he lifted his hand to his mouth and bit- there were several alarmed cries from the Levi Squad, hell, even the Captain's hand reached for his blades. But the yellow sparks fizzled and died, and Eren pulled his bleeding hand from his mouth, grinning.

Everyone stared at him with a mixture of shock and horror. Levi was the first to regain his composure and speak. "Not bad. How'd you manage that?"

Eren shrugged. "Practice." he reached up to rub the back of his neck, slightly sheepish, only to realize with a painful tug that the movement had opened some of the cuts in his arm. He bit back a wince, hoping he could play it off- but Levi had already noticed and was staring at him, one eyebrow cocked.

"It's nothing, really..."

Levi said nothing, eyes falling on Eren's sleeve and widening. Eren looked down, alarmed, to see blood staining through his jacket sleeve... His eyes widened. "It's nothing! It's just a scratch, really!" he managed, slapping a hand over the wound.

Levi said nothing, simply stepping forward and rolling up Eren's sleeve- the man recoiled in horror when he saw the wounds wrapping around the boy's arm- bloodied bite marks, cuts too deep to begin closing-

"For the love of God..." someone muttered, and Eren looked up, frantic, when he realized the rest of the Levi Squad could see his arms too.

Levi was still staring, stunned speechless for a moment...

"Medic! I need a medic over here, dammit!" the Corporal's voice took on a tone Eren had never heard before- was he scared?

"No! No, really, I'm fine!" Eren pulled his hand from Levi's grip, staggering backward, turning to run, before Levi had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt...

And then he was on the ground, feeling incredibly cold- he realized how much struggling against Levi _hurt_ and that his arms had opened up as crimson rivers seem to drown him.

"I-I'm f-fine..." was the last thing he choked out, before his entire world went black.

* * *

"H-he did this to himself?"

"It doesn't matter- right now we need to stop the bleeding. _Hanji!_ Jager, I swear if you die on me..."

He could only see black. His mouth tasted like rust, everything tasted like rust, he was under water, struggling...

"Fuck..."

He was being pressed against something, something warm, something alive. He felt knotted muscle beneath him, and his eyes fluttered open for a brief second to take in Captain Levi before the lids fell closed of their own accord.

* * *

"Anything?"

Levi looked up at Erwin's voice from where he'd been sitting at Jager's bedside, idly shaking his head. Eren hadn't shown any signs of waking up.

"There's no way you could've known, Levi." Erwin started.

"It's my _job_ to know. He's my responsibility- I should've seen it, should've asked him, checked on him… how did he get to this point without my knowing?" Levi's grey eyes seemed haunted as he stared at the teen on the bed.

Jager was shirtless, arms heavily bandaged- his face was pale, and while it wasn't too noticeable, the boy had lost a bit of weight- not enough to be significant, but enough to be worrisome.

Erwin realized there was nothing he could do to alleviate Levi's emotional struggle, and moved on. "Are his wounds showing any signs of healing?"

"No. Hanji says his accelerated healing is influenced by his emotional state- god knows what that is, considering he's been driven to this." Levi looked at his superior officer, looking more like a tired parent than a soldier.

Erwin placed a hand on the man's shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. "I'm sure he'll come around in a day or so, Levi- just hang in there.". With his words said, Erwin turned and strode out of the room, leaving Levi alone with the unconscious teenager.

Levi winced slightly as he looked over at the boy. He'd been at his bedside all night and well into this morning, and he still wasn't used to seeing the normally hyperactive boy this still.

One of the bandages on the boy's wrist was stained red, and Levi felt a physical pain in his chest at the sight, at the knowledge that the boy had done this to _himself…._

"Wake up, brat. We have to figure out how to put you back together." his tone was gentle- it was more of a plea than an order, really, but Eren didn't stir. Levi was left alone, sitting in silence.

* * *

Dinner that night was dead silent, with the Levi Squad picking at their food morosely. They looked up for a brief moment when Levi entered the room, eyes imploring him.

"He's stable. Resting, but he should be fine."

"Sir- d-did he do that to himself?" Petra asked, golden eyes concerned.

"Probably. He's been sleeping- we haven't been able to ask him any questions yet, but it seems like it's the only option…."

The squad members exchanged nervous glances. Eren had been dangerous to begin with, but now he was clearly unstable. They were sympathetic, of course- but still, their sympathy was overridden by fear.

Before anyone could say anything, the sound of footsteps echoing on the stone, startling everyone, before Eren walked gingerly into the room.

"Eren…." Petra's eyes widened when she saw the boy's bandaged arms.

"You shouldn't be up. Go back upstairs, I'll bring you something…." Levi moved to stand, but Eren ignored the Captain completely, moving to sit on an empty part of the bench, across the table from everyone.

"I'm fine, Captain." Eren said, though he looked pale.

"You've got a lot of fucking nerve, kid." Auruo ground out, glaring at the boy from across the table. "First you come here with absolutely no skills, then you split yourself open for attention and come here begging to be looked at- is this all some sort of game to you!?" Auruo was yelling, now.

"Auruo!" Levi barked a warning, but he was interrupted by laughing.

Eren was laughing- cold, dead laughter. The dark circles under his eyes showed that the laughter didn't reach his eyes, which were ice cold.

"You think I did this for attention, you piece of shit? I didn't- I did it for control- it helped me learn to control myself. You guys think I don't know what you really think of me-" Eren's voice cracked. "That I'm a monster, a weapon- _'We can't have the kid transforming every time he stubs his damn toe!'_ " Eren spat the words, glaring at Auruo for a split second before looking away.

"I know what I am, but I never _asked for this._ " Eren was bordering on tears, now, shoulders shaking as he held back his sobs. "I… I just wanted… control. T-that way you guys wouldn't be so afraid of me…. It started out like that, anyways. Then I realized how much I liked to bleed…." Eren's eyes wandered to the floor, landing on his boots, hands folded in his lap.

All the soldiers at the table looked alarmed, Petra was looking horrified, Auruo was shocked, and Eld and Gunther were looking over at Levi for guidance.

"Eren- go back upstairs and lay down. I'll bring you something to eat." Levi said, though he wasn't looking at Eren at all. Instead he was staring at his Squad, ordering them to remain quiet.

"Yes Sir." Eren stood, stumbling and nearly falling but catching himself on the wall, rightening himself and struggling back upstairs, disappearing around the stairwell.

"He… he knew." Eld remarked, looking surprised. "All those conversations we had- he heard everything…."

"What have we done to him?" Petra's voice shook, and she stared at where Eren had last been. The teen had looked like a ghost.

"You've broken him, is what you've done." Levi deadpanned, putting together a tray to bring up to the boy. "Now all we can do is pray he can be fixed."

* * *

"Eat." Levi spoke up, watching Eren stare at the tray he'd been given without emotion. "Please."

Eren must've heard the note of concern in his Captain's voice, because he brought a spoonful of stew to his lips and ate it. He didn't taste any of it.

Levi gave the boy a small smile, trying to encourage him, but Eren set down his spoon, looking over at him. "What am I, Captain?"

Levi frowned. "You're hungry. Now eat."

"You know what I mean." those green eyes implored him, desperate. "I know what the squad thinks of me, but… what do you think I am?"

Levi could detect something he hadn't heard in Eren's voice for awhile. A small note of hope.

"Human. You're one of the most human people I've ever met."

Eren's eyes widened slightly, and his lips twitched into the ghost of a smile.

"Granted, you're still a fucking dumbass. You make decisions in a moment's notice, you never consult anyone first, and you're dumb as hell. But you're human, and you've been assigned to my squad, so I have to put up with you, somehow."

Eren's smile broadened slightly at the Corporal's insults- he could read between the lines, and he realized that the Corporal was trying to tell him he was human- and judging by the way Levi had insulted him- he was one of his favorite humans.

"Oi. You gonna smile at the wall like a dumbass, or are you gonna eat? It'll get cold, and I'll make you eat it anyways." Levi threatened. The corners of Eren's mouth twitched slightly before he did as he was told, picking up his spoon and continuing to eat. He was full by the time he was halfway finished with the bowl, and though Levi frowned slightly, he didn't say anything.

"What's going to happen to me?" Eren's voice was small, and his eyes looked up at him like a child.

Levi sighed. He honestly wasn't sure, and while he didn't want to lie to Eren, he also knew the kid didn't need any more uncertainty.

"You're going to heal, and we're going to continue with things as planned."

"Yes Sir." Eren nodded, seeming slightly relieved that things would return to normal relatively soon.

"You're excused from training until your stitches are removed, and we'll deal with Hanji's experiments on a case-by-case basis, but otherwise- normal. Now sleep, before I knock you out." despite the threat, there was no resolve behind the corporal's threat, and Eren gave him a tired grin.

"Thank you for talking with me, Sir."

Eren sounded like it was some sort of privilege to have talked to him, and Levi frowned. Was this why Eren had started hurting himself? Because he had no one to talk to?

"It's not a problem, brat. If you ever need to talk- I'm in my office. Understood?"

Eren nodded, though his eyes were widened slightly at receiving the privilege to go see the Corporal whenever he needed to.

"Now shut up and go to sleep." Levi amended quickly. God forbid he stayed too long- while he knew it on some sort of deeper level, Levi would never acknowledge how much he cared for the brat.


	5. Distraught

Eren wanted to do anything but sit at the table with Squad Levi the next morning, but he did anyways. He kept his head down as he picked at his food, hiding his eyes beneath his bangs and doing his best to ignore the uncertain glances everyone was throwing him.

Levi, however, was normal, delegating responsibilities among the squad and outlining the day, as usual.

Eren ducked his head lower when Levi told Auruo and Gunther they'd be tending to the stables- that way normally his job. Nobody said anything, though, and Petra slid something onto his plate. Eren looked down to find it was a strawberry and glanced over at her, confused.

She handed him a note underneath the table.

 _Enjoy!_ was written in curly handwriting.

She looked over at him pleadingly- he had no idea why. Did she want him to do something?

Another scrap of paper was in his hand, then.

_Please smile. Just a little..._

Ah, that was it. She wanted to see him smile? Was- was she trying to make him happy with a gift? It'd been so long since he'd gotten a gift, and he looked over at her- he appreciated her gift, he really did, but he didn't think he could smile.

Still, he forced his lips to curl back in what could be called an attempt- and Petra grinned. Eren let his eyes drop back to his plate, feeling anything but happy. He just felt... numb.

"Eren, you'll be with me." Levi turned to him, and Eren nodded. "Yes Sir."

Everyone finished breakfast, and Eren wordlessly followed behind Levi, expecting to be taken into the yard for more experiments. He was surprised when they stayed inside the castle, heading up to a floor which only contained meeting rooms.

"L-levi?" Eren stuttered, uncertain.

Levi turned for a moment, looking at Eren with shock.

Fear flashed in Eren's eyes when he realized he'd just called the Captain by his first name. "I-I'm sorry, Sir... I-I mean Captain..." Eren could barely stutter out the words, he was tripping over himself, now, hands shaking, just waiting for Levi to kick him across the room...

The shock quickly faded from Levi's expression when he saw Eren hunched over, as though he was ready to be hit. Normally- Levi would've hit him. But he wondered for a brief second if his physical punishments had contributed to Eren;s situation, and decided to give him a pass.

"Eren."

"C-Captain?"

"Look at me."

Eren looked up hesitantly, as though he expected to be hit.

"You may call me by my first name, but only when no one else is present. Understood?"

"Y-yes Si- yes Levi." Eren managed, looking surprised.

"Now come with me."

Eren didn't hesitate to follow Levi down the hall, through a heavy oak door, into a conference room.

Eren froze like a deer in the headlights for a moment when he saw Erwin seated at the large table.

Erwin gave the boy a pained smile, nodding to him. "Have a seat, Eren. You aren't in any trouble."

Eren quietly did as he was told, finding himself sitting across from Hanji, who looked up at him seriously. "Eren. I- I don't really know how to say this- but you've been hurting yourself. And I- well, I wanted to ask you some questions to see if we can figure out _why,_ and make sure that you don't do it again..."

Hanji's normally insane eagerness was replaced by an air of seriousness that daunted Eren for a moment. Was she uncomfortable talking to him about this? What was with the change in her demeanor?

"Levi and I wanted to be present while Hanji gathers data- to see if maybe we can provide some insight." Erwin added.

Eren nodded slowly. "So... this is all an experiment?"

"No, Eren. It's- it's an evaluation of sorts- to go in your file." Hanji admitted.

"Why do I need an evaluation!? A-are you going to kick me out of the Corps?" all the color had drained from Eren's face.

"No one is kicking you out of the Corps, Eren." Erwin said, trying to calm the boy.

"T-then why do I need an evaluation!?" Eren was still anxious, eyes darting towards Levi, then the door...

"You need this because we care about you, dammit!" Hanji burst out, glaring at him. "I- I don't know the science behind your behavior, Eren, but I want to understand it- we don't want you hurting yourself again!"

Eren was dead silent for a moment. They actually cared? Looking around at the three people staring at him, he saw the concern in their eyes and realized they were genuine. He had to stop for a moment- he'd never thought his little habit would affect the others, much less make them actually _worry_ for him…. There were a lot of things happening nowadays he hadn't anticipated.

"What do you want to know?"

"Well… how did this whole thing actually start? When was the first time you hurt yourself?"

"After I accidentally transformed. I realized how close the squad came to killing me, how they looked at me like I was a titan… how much of a monster I was. I cut myself to control it, really- it was a test of sorts. If I could hurt myself without going titan, I figured I was making progress…."

"This whole thing started as an experiment?" Hanji's voice was quiet, eyes surprised.

"Well… yeah. I wanted control. If people tell you you're a monster for long enough, you start to believe it- cutting was my release. It helped me prove them wrong. Seeing that I could control my titan by cutting- it was reassuring. And then I realized how much I like the pain…."

"What do you feel when you cut, Eren?"

"Pain. Stinging- it really hurts when you open yourself up like that- and then just… nothing. It's like a drug- it's like sleeping without the nightmares. Your mind is at peace, if only for a few seconds, it's like a drug, really, a high that lasts for as long as you have a blade."

"Do you have any other blades in your room, Eren?" Erwin spoke up this time from where he was sitting, hands steepled, looking concerned at the way Eren was talking about his habit.

Eren froze like a deer in the headlights.

Erwin sighed. "Eren. Your room is going to be searched, so it'd be much easier if you simply told us…."

"I don't have anything." Eren said, eyes wide. He was lying through his teeth, but right now, he didn't care. If they searched his room they'd find a few bent nails he'd taken from the barn- he kept his piece of glass in his pocket. No matter how much they wanted to help him- Eren couldn't handle having his release taken away from him.

Better they find his nails and he still have his piece of glass….

"And what gives you the right to search my room!?"

"You've been injuring yourself badly, Eren. We need to search your room to make sure this doesn't happen again…." Levi tried to reason with him.

"None of you even gave a fuck about it before! What's changed now, _Captain!?_ You found out about it and now it's in the reports, so you have to pretend to help me!? I don't need you or you stupid help! I just need to be left alone!" Eren was leaning across the table, now, panting, glaring t Levi with nothing less than pure rage on his face.

"Eren. Calm down…." Erwin started, only to fall silent when Eren whipped his burning gaze over to him, lips twitching into a snarl.

"My entire family has been ripped away from me, everyone here but you three are terrified of me and convinced I'm a monster, I'm constantly reminded that I'll be killed if I mess up, and I sleep in a fucking dungeon! Don't tell me to _calm down!_ Just let me have my habits…." Eren was panting, now, all the hate and anger had bled out from his gaze as he realized just what was happening.

They were really going to take everything sharp from him- he wasn't going to have anything. He was going to be watched like a hawk. Everything- all the control he'd achieved- was going to be wrenched away from him, and he physically couldn't deal with that. He put his head down on the table, breathing ragged.

It felt like his entire world was shattering around him.

"Eren?" Hanji asked, voice uncertain.

"Fuck all of you." was all Eren muttered, resting his head in his arms on the table, before he broke down sobbing.

The only sound in the room was crying for a moment- Erwin frowned at the sight, wondering for a brief moment just how the boy had gotten so _broken_ without them noticing.

Levi wordlessly lifted Eren's head off the table, handkerchief wiping the snot from the boy's nose. "I refuse to let you drown in your own bodily fluids, Jager." he deadpanned, attempting to lighten the mood. Levi was slightly disturbed when Jager didn't even crack a smile- normally the brat would be laughing. How long had it been since he'd heard Eren laugh?

Levi let go of Eren's hair, and Eren's head fell back into his arms on the table with a thunk. Eren didn't react.

"Jager. Get up. That's an order."

" _Fuck you."_ Eren choked out, voice muffled in his arms.

Normally, Levi would've hit the kid for mouthing off like that, but Jager was clearly so... broken, that he couldn't entertain the thought of punishing him for it. The boy obviously was struggling to think and behave rationally, and in his fragile emotional state, Levi wondered, with some degree of alarm, if the boy could lose his grip on sanity altogether.

Erwin cleared his throat. "I think we're done here." he got to his feet, deciding they'd continue the evaluation when Eren was more composed.

Levi shot the Commander an uncertain glance, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with the crying soldier.

Erwin didn't know, and the man simply walked out of the room, clearly uncomfortable with all the emotion. Hanji was looking over at Eren pitifully, though she, too, was clueless, and Levi realized he'd have to take some initiative here.

"Oi, brat. Do you want me to have to carry you out of here? The entire squad will see me carrying you while you cry, it'll be humiliating..."

"Keep your _filthy hands_ off me!" Eren spat into his sleeves, still not even lifting his head.

So Levi was silent, waiting for nearly half an hour until the boy's sobs has dulled to hiccups, and finally, silence.

"He's very... distraught." Hanji managed, looking concerned.

"No shit." Levi growled, frustrated at his own inability to help the kid. Eren had cried himself to sleep- it didn't make much, considering his body was still weak from the healing wounds on his arms. Levi went to sling the boy over his shoulder but thought better of it, instead taking the boy into his arms, bridal style, making sure to mind the boy's injuries as he took him down to the dungeon, laying him on his bed and pulling the sheets over the boy.

He sighed, looking at the pale face, remembering the desperation and hopelessness he'd seen in those green eyes.

"Hang in there you little shit. We'll figure something out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! I love feedback, or just chatting with you guys in general! :)


	6. Ride it Out

Eren woke up in his room in the dungeons, with his face sticky. The events in the conference room that morning came crashing back to him, and he curled deeper into the blankets. Maybe if he made himself small enough, he'd just disappear.

He heard footsteps on the stone floor coming closer, but chose to ignore them, instead burying his face in the pillow. The footfalls came to a halt just outside his cell door, and there was the sound of metal on metal as the door to his cell was unlocked, the slight squeak of the door swinging open….

"Oi. I know you're awake. Get up." Levi's voice was quiet- Eren entertained the thought of disregarding him for a brief moment, but realized he'd only be digging himself in deeper if he did.

He sat up, the sheets pooling at his waist, hands scrubbing at his crusty. bloodshot eyes as he scrutinized his Captain.

"Sir?"

Levi frowned, noting the tone of voice in Eren's voice. "Get up. We're going for a ride."

Eren hesitated for a brief moment before swinging his legs over the bed and pulling on his boots, shambling after Levi clumsily. Eren turned away once they'd entered the hallway, putting up his hand, surprised, when sunlight streamed through the windows of the corridor.

Levi gave the boy a passing glance. "It's afternoon, by the way." he supplied, a bit late. They strode out to the stables where Levi's horse was tied to a fence rail, beside Eren's.

Eren couldn't help himself- the corners of his lips twitched into a smile when Levi had to climb the fence rail to mount his black horse.

Levi noticed, for course, doing a double-take. For a moment he considered snapping at the brat, but he bit back the venomous words, realizing it'd been the first time he'd seen Eren smile in days.

Eren wordlessly climbed onto his own chestnut gelding, absently stroking the horse's ear as he and Levi started their horses at a canter, side-by-side.

"What was it you wanted to talk to me about, Sir?" Eren asked, tone still void of nearly all emotion.

"I didn't want to talk about anything- I just wanted to get you out of the castle. You're cooped up in there far too much."

Eren nodded, seeming to chew the words over for a moment. "Thank you." he said quietly.

"No problem."

They headed down the trail through the pine forest nearby the castle, Eren's posture slowly relaxing as he went. The boy had loosened up considerably, but his eyes still held that glassy look, still showed he was trying to keep himself from being further wounded.

"Ride on ahead." Levi told him.

Eren's eyes widened, a bead of sweat trailing down his face. "Sir?"

"Ride ahead, Eren."

"B-but I'm not supposed to be without supervision…."

"I trust you." Levi's silver eyes were serious, and Eren nodded, swallowing, before kicking his mare into a trot and then a gallop, taking off ahead of Levi. Levi watched the boy, expression disinterested, as always.

The trail in the forest was winding, and Levi estimated Eren would only be a few minutes ahead of him. Eren had never ridden this trail, but once they got through the forest, they'd reach a valley. He was just hoping the ride would relax the boy, to be honest. Eren was in such a fragile state- he really needed something relaxing.

Levi trailed a minute or so behind the boy, waiting slightly. He pulled up on the reins, remaining just out of sight within the forest, when he saw Eren had stopped dead in the path, simply staring at the valley in front of him, hands in his lap, perfectly still atop his horse.

A rabbit darted across the path ahead of him, then, spooking his horse, which reared- Eren gave a shout of surprise, tumbling off the horse onto the path, before the frightened chestnut was running off into the goldenrod, spooked.

Eren laid in the dirt for a moment, surprised, before he did something Levi never would've expected. He laughed.

"Stupid horse." he muttered, getting to his feet and attempting to brush the dirt off his pants. "You've seen titans before, you dumbass! And you're scared of a rabbit?" Eren cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting after the gelding, who paid him no mind.

Eren chuckled, starting down the hill in the valley towards where his horse had settled, an uneasy thirty feet or so away.

He tripped and went tumbling down, however, ending up in a heap in the tall grass at the bottom of the field. He laid still for a moment, dazed, and his horse trotted over, nuzzling at his face curiously.

Eren laughed at the feeling of the velvety lips brushing against his cheek.

"Hey- lemme up!" he managed, before he was stumbling to his feet, looking the horse in the eyes. "This whole thing is your fault, you know."

His horse snorted dismissively.

"Yeah, well screw you too." Eren muttered, though his smile contradicted the statement as he swung up into the saddle, riding back uphill onto the path.

Levi decided to make his presence known at that moment, riding up behind Eren like he hadn't been watching the whole thing from within the trees. "Enjoying the ride?"

"Eh?" Eren looked up, green eyes surprised to see the Captain. "Yes, Sir. It's beautiful here." Eren cast a glance out at the valley he'd just tumbled through fondly, a small smile breaking through his porcelain features for a moment. Levi knew he wasn't mistaken when he realized there was a bit of that old spark back in the boy's eyes.

"Good. Let's head back- it's nearly dinner time."

Eren nodded absently, though there was the ghost of a smile on his lips. He looked up more often, enjoying the way the setting sun streamed through the trees.

Levi was glad to see nobody was out on the front lawn when they returned to the castle. He'd expected his squad to be out and waiting, concerned for his safety, since he'd been with Eren alone, but it appeared they'd listened to his orders, for once.

Eren wordlessly stabled their horses and strode into dinner that night, still quiet but less morose.

Eld nodded to the boy, sliding him a bowl of the stew they were having. "We saved you some." he said neutrally.

Eren looked surprised for a moment, before he nodded. "Thanks."

It was far from a warm exchange, but the tension was noticeably absent, which was all Levi could really ask for.

The awkwardness wasn't as prevalent, either.

The entire troop seemed to disregard the bandages on Eren's arms, until one came undone and fell, the slightly stained cotton fluttering to the floor.

Eren looked over, slightly shocked.

Petra gasped, and Eren was left staring at the… clean skin of his arm?

"Well, that's… unexpected." Auruo managed, sipping his tea cup bemusedly.

"Don't breathe a word of that to Hanji, kid, or she'll slice you right open again." Gunther said, with an air of… humor?

"Noted." Eren said with a small smile, before he was turning back to his meal.

Though Levi didn't say anything, he noted the development. He'd known Eren's arms had been deeply wounded this morning- he'd been the one to change the boy's bandages while he'd slept.

Still- Eren had mellowed to an almost happy state, and it further supported Hanji's theory that the boy's healing was influenced by his emotions.

Still, Levi went to bed that night less worried than before. Eren's improvement was promising- the boy had gone from an incomprehensible mess to relatively stable within the span of a few hours.

Maybe- just maybe- Eren was going to be able to recover from this faster than anyone had thought.

* * *

Eren laid in his room, his shard of glass in hand, staring at his thigh.

He wasn't upset. On the contrary- he was relatively happy. But that didn't mean he was going to put his comrades at risk by stopping- or by losing everything- all the control he'd developed.

He knew they were checking his arms- but nobody had made any mention of his thighs. And if what he'd seen today- with his healing abilities- no one would find out, either way.

He wordlessly pressed the shard to his skin, letting the edge bite, ignoring the sickening sound of flesh parting.

Blood trickled down his legs, but he didn't care, closing his eyes. _I am calm- I'm okay. the Levi Squad trusts me-_ Levi _trusts me- and I am in control._

Tendrils of steam trickled into the air, until all that was left was a white line where the flesh had melded back together.

He surveyed it without emotion, simply biting back the cry that bubbled up in his throat as he opened his flesh again, watching the steam rise emotionless.

He was getting better at controlling his titan abilities- and better at hiding it, as well, he supposed. From now on- all he needed to do was hide the scars, instead of worrying about the open wounds bleeding. It was a great improvement.

He was one step closer to invincible.


	7. Losing Hold

Jager's arms had healed, and while he was still more reserved than usual, his eyes were brighter. and he smiled. Levi assumed things had blown over- Eren was back to his usual self, his arms were clean, and he was performing admirably in his experiments with Hanji.

Eren dug into his meal with a fervor- he was left starving after expending so much energy to become a titan, and Levi allowed him the privilege of being as messy as he wanted, since he seemed to realize just how hungry the boy was. Neatness meant nothing when his stomach was gnawing with hunger.

Eld watched the boy tear into his food, expression a mixture of surprise and amazement, with just a hint of disdain for the mess with his curled upper lip.

"Hey greenhorn- you gonna stop to breath anytime soon?" Auruo demanded, but he was silenced by a look from Levi.

"Let him eat. He hasn't had anything since breakfast."

Gunther simply watched Eren emotionlessly, though he was surprised anyone could eat like they were starving like that and not be reprimanded by Captain Levi. Petra just watched Eren with a bemused smile on her face, glad he was enjoying his meal.

Levi looked up from his own meal every few minutes to make sure the brat wasn't choking to death on his spoon, but Eren was fine. The boy barely had time to breathe between the bites of food he shoveled into his mouth.

Within five minutes he was done, sighing with content and laying his head in his arms on the table.

"Petra- dinner was amazing." he said, voice dreamy.

Petra smiled. "I can see that, Eren." she reached across the table, dabbing at a stray bit of potatoes that'd been clinging to the corner of her lips with her hankercheif. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Auruo humphed indignantly before going to stand. He was secretly jealous of how Petra was doting on Eren- why couldn't she be that tender with him?

Levi sighed, trying to bite back the smile he had when he saw the stack of bowls next to the drowsy-looking Eren. Dammit- when had the brat started to grow on him like this?

"Oi. You gonna fall asleep at the table or what? Because I'm not carrying your ass down to the dungeons."

"Hmm?" Eren blinked owlishly at the Captain for a moment, before he comprehended what the older man was saying. "Oh- yeah. 'M going to bed, guys…."

"You're sure you'll be alright to get there by yourself? You look awfully spent…." Petra noticed the dark circles under Eren's eyes from the strain of transformation- everyone did, really, but Petra was the one who brought it up.

"Pfft. The kid can walk by himself." Auruo muttered, looking at Eren with disdain.

"I'll be fine, thanks. G'night…." Eren muttered, before he was stumbling out the room, his irregular footsteps fading down the hall. It was nights like these- nights when he was so tired that all he could do was fall into bed- nights when he was so satisfied with the strides he'd made in Hanji's experiments- that he forgot about the piece of glass in his pocket and the scars on his thighs.

* * *

Surprise attacks had been a tradition in the Scouting Legion since it's very formation. It was a common way for teammates to help hone each other's skills- to always expect the unexpected. It was not only a way to hone combat skills, but to grow closer to each other as teammates. Eren had become a member of the Levi Squad, and after all he'd been through, Gunther had elected to be the first to indoctrinate Eren into the tradition. It was never spoken of- only carried out.

Eren nodded to Gunther, smiling slightly, as he strode past the man in the otherwise empty courtyard, before returning his attention ahead of him. He'd learned not to expect much reply from Gunther, intense as the man was, but had also learned that Gunther still appreciated being acknowledged, despite his lack of response.

The last thing he expected was for his squadmate's rough hands to close around his throat from behind.

_He was a child again, dangling limply from the man's meaty hands, fumbling to try and free his throat from the meaty flesh as spots crept into the edges of his vision, gaze pleading for Mikasa to take action long after his trachea had been cut off._

He whited out for a moment, possessed by pure adrenalin. He hadn't even realized what her'd been doing when he'd seized Gunther's hand by the thumb, twisting it despite the man's yells of pain. He was throwing frantic blows that connected with surprising force, taking the man into the dirt.

The first thing he became conscious of was the fact that Gunther was laying on the ground, eyes rolled back in his head, and blood trickling from his mouth. The second was that there was blood on his hands, his shirt was ripped, and his boots were scuffed.

Over the flood of adrenalin he managed to find sense, falling to his knees and shaking his comrade desperately.

"Gunther! Gunther, wake up!" Tears had started leaking from his eyes, his hands were trembling, and he pulled back when there was no response from the man, the implications of his actions hitting him like a ton of bricks. He scrambled backwards on his butt, looking at the blood on his hands with terror.

It'd happened. He hadn't gone deep enough, hadn't bled enough- and his squadmates had paid the prince. He'd beaten Gunther badly, the man was injured, possibly internally, but all rational thought fled Eren as he blinked, trying to gather the thoughts through the frantica static of his mind.

_Help… I should get help…. Monster. Filthy, primitive…. He's higher rank than me, they won;t believe that he attacked me… dangerous, impulsive timebomb…. Levi will believe you, he's always believed you… but nobody will believe a titan over a trusted squadmate, you're impulsive, filthy, unclean, fucking waste of space titan MONSTER…._

He was gasping, reeling from impact as he fell victim to adrenalin once again, frantic thoughts bubbling through his mind. He turned tail and ran, sprinting into the castle, ignoring anyone that called for him, not even cognizant of the tears streaming down his face- he'd lost control, Gunther might die, and it was all because he lacked control.

_Control control CONTROL! You don't know the meaning of the word, you're weak, you don't even care about them enough to control yourself, unclean filthy MONSTER. The military police were right for wanting to execute you…._

"Oi! Eren!" Levi staggered backward when Eren shoved him to the side, sprinting for the staircase. He had to get to the roof and end this before it went any farther.

Levi stared after Eren, a mixture of anger and confusion on his face at the boy's actions, before Petra's frantic voice snapped him out of his reverie.

"Captain! It's Gunther, Sir, he was found badly beaten…."

Levi discarded all thoughts of Eren, then, running downstairs to find his injured squadmate being supported by Auruo and Eld.

Gunther looked like absolute shit- scratches marred his face, blood dripped from his nose, one eyes was swelling, and he was hunched painfully, arms looped over his comrades' shoulders to keep him upright as Hanju flustered around with bandages.

"What happened?" Levi was all business, gently shoving Gunther into a chair and moving to help Hanju with the bandages.

"Jager is what happened." Gunther spat, holding a hankerchief to his bleeding nose. "I was gonna surprise attack him, it's tradition, afterall…. He freaked out. I could see it in his eyes…." Gunther looked concerned, suddenly. "Where is the little bastard, anyways? I should probably explain to him I wasn't trying to kill him…."

All the color drained from Levi's face as he made the connection between Eren's running down the hall and Gunther's injuries.

"... he was heading for the roof. EREN!" Levi was bounding down the hall, heart racing, praying he got to the roof before Eren made a decision he'd regret.

Eld blinked, looking horrified. "H-he's going to jump?"

"Eren! Erne, think about this for a minute!" raw horror was on Petra's face before she was sprinting after Levi down the halls, heading for the roof.

Auruo grabbed Eld, fairly dragging the man down the hall. "Don't fucking jump, you hear me you brat!?"

Levi pounded down the hallway, skidding around the corner to find the door to the stairway open. His heart sank, before he was taking the stairs two at a time, ignoring the burning feeling in his lungs as he ran up the steps, bursting onto the castle's roof into the blinding sunlight to find an alarmed looking Erwin speaking softly to Eren, who'd climbed onto the ledge.

"...think about this for a moment, Eren, before you make any decisions. Just take a step back and talk to me…." Erwin's voice was soft, tone gently, but Eren didn't react, simply staring over the ledge, shoulders shaking with silent sobs as tears coursed down his cheeks.

Erwin shot Levi a look, telling him to stay calm, though his blue eyes were alarmed.

"Eren. Step back. That is an order."

Eren whimpered like a child, sniffing and hugging himself with his arms, trying to make himself more comfortable in his last moments.

"Eren!" Petra burst onto the roof, with Eld and Auruo following closely behind her, looking frantic. "Come down, Eren, it was all a misunderstanding…."

Petra stepped forward, hand out, desperate….

"Take one more step and I jump." Eren choked out, voice sounding as though it's shatter any moment. Petra froze, stepping back.

Levi wondered for a brief moment what on Earth they were going to do to talk him down.

"Eren. Come here." Levi's silver eyes implored the boy, his voice was gently. Levi saw the desire in Eren's eyes- the boy wanted to come down from the ledge, he wanted to curl into a ball and cry, wanted someone to hold him, he was so confused and he was just a goddamn child….

For a moment, it looked like Eren just might step down and walk over to Levi. But he quickly shook his head, remembering what he'd done to Gunther and knowing that he was too dangerous to be kept around them.

"N-no. There's only one way I'm getting down from here." Eren breathed, eyes closing for a brief moment as he came to accept his fate. "You should've killed me in that courtroom when you first found me- e-even b-being here was a mistake…." Eren could barely choke out the words around his tears.

"This won't solve anything, Eren!" Eld cried out, desperate to reason with the boy.

"This will solve _everything!"_ Eren shouted, fists clenching. "I-I'm a monster…. You saw what I did to G-gunther…." the intensity in those green eyes faded as he dissolved into tears again. "I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've done, for all the pain I've caused you…."

"Eren! Eren, _look at me!"_ Levi felt the words being torn from his throat in a desperation to distract Eren, to pull his focus back to him- but his words fell on deaf ears as Eren turned and jumped.

Levi's eyes widened in horror, his lips parting as he screamed the boy's name, hand racing out futilely….

For a brief moment, the sunlight framed his face- the way his hair seemed suspended , his jacket fluttered in the air for a moment, his arms were out, like he was some sort of angel…. Before he plummeted down, down, down, not even screaming as he disappeared over the ledge into silence.


	8. Keep Still and Survive

"EREN!" the cry was torn from Levi's throat as he rushing towards the ledge, staring over it frantically. There was the clatter of feet as the others rushed over behind him, all expecting to see Eren's broken body on the ground.

Instead they say Gunther- the battered man had somehow manage to struggle into his 3DMG, and had anchored himself into the castle walls. He was holding onto the dazed-looking titan-shifter.

"I got him!" Gunther shouted upwards. Petra burst into tears of relief, sinking to her knees, hand covering her mouth, Eld went weak in the knees, and Auruo simply looked up at the sky, thanking whatever entity there was that Eren was alright.

Levi didn't relax- Eren was still in a perilous position, being held by Gunther on the wall, and he wouldn't relax until the boy was beside him….

Eren had expected pain. He'd expected to hit the ground below in a flash of it- to feel his bones explode from within his limbs, feel the wrenching as his insides were damaged beyond repair, and watch his blood make love with the dirt.

He'd accepted it- he'd welcomed it, really- because as he bled out from every orifice, he'd know that the Levi Squad was safe. He'd died protecting his friends from himself.

He hadn't expected to be snatched out of the air mid-fall- hadn't expected to have the breath knocked out of him in a painful crunch as he impacted roughly between someone's body and the castle wall- hadn't expected to hear the violent crack or feel white hot pain cloud his vision.

"I got him!" a fuzzy voice sounded as though it were a thousand miles away. It was familiar- had he been in possession of a clear mind, he would've recognized Gunther, but as it was, he was clinging to consciousness by a thread….

The next thing he knew he was being dumped onto a stone floor. He couldn't breathe- every time he tried to, his lungs rattled and his chest jolted with pain enough to make him cry out, if he'd had the lung capacity to do so.

He looked up through watery eyes to see the hazy image of his squadmates staring down at him, could hear the garbled cacophony as their voices seemed to blend together.

"Eren. Eren, can you hear me?" Levi asked. He placed his hand beneath the boy's chin, lifting his head so Eren's cloudy eyes were focused on him.

Eren was sitting on his knees on the rooftop, doubled over, clutching his chest as tears streamed down his face. It took him one second, then another, to focus in on Levi and gather the breath to say something around his tears and pain.

"Y-you should've just… Let. Me. Die." he choked out, before his abdomen spasmed, coughing involuntarily, warm crimson liquid bubbling past his lips, dribbling down his chin. He lost all control of his body, then, and had his eyes not rolled back in his head they would've seen the horrified expression on Levi's face before he collapsed into a heap, boneless.

"Eren. Eren, can you hear me?" Eren was alive, but he was clearly not without injury. As soon as Gunther had set the boy down on the rooftop his legs had given out, and Eren had ended up on his knees, doubled over. Levi had no idea what'd happened to him in the fall, but he needed to be treated.

Eren looked up at him dolefully, cloudy eyes struggling to lock on his face. "Y-you should've just… Let. Me. Die." the boy managed to rasp out, before he was coughing, blood bubbling past his lips and dribbling down his chin, warm in Levi's hands.

Levi didn't recoil in horror, he was so absorbed by the cadet's face. "Eren!"

The boy's eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed, falling forward against Levi's legs roughly.

Levi was gathering the injured boy into his arms, turning to glare at Erwin frantically. "Send a goddamn medic to the infirmary." before he was gone, sprinting down the stairs and kicking open the door to the infirmary.

He laid Eren on a bed, turning the boy on his side and trying not to be alarmed when a stream of blood bubbled past his lips. He knew first aid, he'd been binding up injuries since he was young, but every time he's seen someone coughing up blood they died, and he couldn't handle it, couldn't face it if this boy died.

He grabbed a pair of scissors from a nearby metal tray, beginning to cut off the boy's shirt as fast as his shaking hands would allow. Eren's left chest was swelling horribly, the flesh bruised a mottled dark purple with spatters of sickly yellow on the flesh. The boy had managed to break some ribs, most likely.

Levi raked a bloodied hand through his hair, frustrated and bordering on frantic at his own inability to do something….

"Erwin! Where the fuck is the medic!?" he shouted out the door, before Jager made a gurgling sound and Levi had darted back over to the boy, bodily forcing the boy into a sitting position and leaning him forward. Bloody saliva dripped from the kid's mouth onto the sheets before Hanji was rushing in, with Erwin at her heels.

"She's not a fucking medic!" Levi protested. "She's just as likely to kill him as she is to help…."

But Hanji was already moving forward, reaching out gingerly when she saw Eren's ribs and frowning. "He's broken some ribs and has chest trauma. Lay him back…."

"And let him drown in his own blood?" Levi scoffed, raising an eyebrow.

Hanji rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll prop him up on pillow, but keep him still."

Levi wordlessly obeyed as Erwin gathered up pillows to prop the boy up, and Levi kept Eren's limp arm around his shoulders, keeping the boy leaning forward. Eren looked positively awful.

"Lay him back slowly. Levi, make sure he doesn't choke." Hanji said, stepping back for a moment, eyes worried.

"Oi! Are you going to do something to fix him or no?" Levi demanded, impatient.

"I'm thinking!"

"He's got chest trauma, what's there to think about!?"

"There's not much I can do for him, alright!?" Hanji burst out. Her hands had clenched into fists, and her eyes were looking glassier than usual behind her goggles- Levi's eyes widened when he realized they were filled with… tears.

"He should be healing by now. I would wrap his ribs, but that'd restrict his breathing, and with all this blood…." Hanji trailed off, looking absolutely, utterly defeated. "I'm worthless."

Levi's eyes widened slightly at her reaction, and he realized she was slipping into despair.

He also noticed Eren had scraped his arm quite badly on the wall when Gunther had caught him, and he hurriedly spoke. "Oi. Do something about that."

Hanji was on her feet, then, rushing to get bandages and blinking heavily, simply glad to be doing something. Still, once she was done cleaning the wound they were left in silence again, and hopelessness started to creep in.

"Levi- could you take his pants off? I wanna make sure he doesn't have any more injuries…."

Levi complied, gently tugging off the boy's pants to reveal a large blood-stain on the right thigh of his boxers.. Levi quietly slid the fabric up past Eren's thigh, expecting to see a wound of some sort…. His breath caught in his throat when he came face to face with the dozens of white lines marring the flesh, and when he realized that the blood on Eren's boxers was dry- it was an old stain.

"No…." he breathed, clenching his teeth and closing his eyes. He felt useless- absolutely, totally stupid. He'd been a fool to think Jager had been opening up to them, been an idiot to think that Eren had stopped hurting himself simply because he didn't see the lines on the boy's arms. After his first outburst when they'd told him he was searching his room, he should've known the boy would keep in more secret.

Erwin sighed, staring at the ground guiltily, while Hanji stepped back, hands shaking as she blinked rapidly and breathed heavily.

"Oi- Hanji. It's not your fault…." Levi started.

"It is my fault, Levi, and don't you dare lie and tell me it isn't!" Hanji shouted, eyes murderous. "I'm the one who's always experimenting with him, I should've known, should've seen it…."

Hanji's eyes had fallen to the floor along with a few stray tears, and her arms hung limply at her sides, the fight knocked out of her. She turned, surprised, when Erwin placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Guilt won't solve anything. What do we need to do to keep Eren alive?"

Hanji took a breath, composing herself, swiping a sleeve across her face. "R-right. He's had chest trauma, broken ribs…. The best thing we can do for him is keep him still. His wounds should heal, though I don't know how long it will take, since his regeneration is clearly… compromised… by his emotional trauma."

Erwin nodded, taking it into consideration.

"We'll need someone with him at all times, incase he wakes up or starts to struggle."

Levi nodded wordlessly, pulling over a chair and sitting down beside the boy's bedside. "I'll take first shift." he said, leaving no room for argument. truthfully, he planned on taking the first shift, the second, and the third.

Eren would survive this- he'd make sure of it.


	9. Too Damn Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad's reaction to Eren's suicide attempt. (It's a feelstrip).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven;t updated in a day or so, and I apologize. Just know that I read every single comment and every kudos makes me want to keep posting for you guys! Also- know I'm always here if any of you need to talk about anything. Hugs! :)

"Captain- I-I know it doesn't mean shit right now, but I swear to god- I never meant for this to happen." Gunther managed as he looked down at Eren's still form, intense brown eyes clouded with concern, arms at his sides, fists clenched.

"Don't blame yourself. None of us had any idea how unstable he really was- if anything, the blame falls on me. I'm his caretaker- I failed. Not the squad. Understand?"

Gunther blinked, not confirming or denying the statement. But he knew- somewhere within him- that everyone on the squad had failed Eren for not helping him, not reaching out, more.

"How is he?"

"That's to be determined." Levi sighed, running a hand over his face. "As you can see- he'll be needed care for awhile. I'll be with him for a time- Eld is in charge. Have him run drills and keep the squad functioning as usual."

"Of course, Sir." Gunther frowned, finding the floor interesting for a moment, before he looked up, gaze meeting Levi's. "Has he shown any signs of waking up?"

"No."

Gunther looked down at the boy, wincing as his eyes landed on the massive, mottled bruise on the boy's chest, the blood stained bandage on his arm- the man quickly turned and limped out of the room as fast as humanly possible- he took a long walk, trying to gather his thoughts. One thing was for certain- when Jager woke up- _if_ he woke up- he would kick the kid's ass for making him worry so much. And he'd keep a careful eye on him- he'd never let a teammate fall through the cracks like this again.

* * *

Auruo peered into the room from the hallway, before he quietly materialized in the doorway, frowning. He took one look at Eren and winced slightly, seeing the rough shape the boy was in.

Levi had been dozing lightly, and he kept his eyes closed purposely, hearing Auruo cross the room in two brisk strides.

"You'd better wake up soon, greenhorn. We have a ton of simple chores that you need to fuck up." There was silence for one moment, two, before slow footsteps as Auruo turned and left- still, the man paused in the doorway and threw a hesitant glance over his shoulder, as though hoping to hear Eren moan or mutter something. When he was met with nothing, he pursed his lips and turned, walking down the hallway, footsteps echoing.

* * *

Light footsteps in the hallway around dinner time alerted him to someone approaching, and he wordlessly lifted his chin from where it'd been resting his chest to see Petra standing in the doorway, biting her lip uncomfortably, a tray balanced in each hand.

"Come in, Ral."

Petra nodded, stepping over the threshold and handing Levi one of the trays, biting her lip. "I-I brought you some food- and some for Eren, incase he was awake…." she bit her lip again, looking over at Levi for a split second before setting the second tray on the bedside table.

The girl suddenly looked down at the ground, finding her boots incredibly interesting.

"You can stay for a few minutes, if you'd like."

Petra nodded, still not looking up, grabbing a chair and pulling it over to the opposite side of Eren's bed.

She took his hand as one point, darting a nervous glance at his face before she simply sat in silence. Her golden bangs fell over her face, hiding her expression.

Still- her posture was rigid, like she was fighting off guilt and tears.

She leaned forward at one point, whispering something in Eren's ear before brushing his bangs away from his face with shaking fingers, before she strode briskly out of the room.

* * *

The torches that lit the castle had been lit, and though the room was relatively bright, Levi didn't jump when Eld materialized from the shadows.

"How is he?"

"No sign of waking up." Levi said simply, used to the lack of formality between him and his second in command. They seemed to function on their own separate wavelength- there was no need for him to call Levi Sir or Levi to remind him of his status- it was all in their gestures.

"The squad is in rough shape, Sir. This is hitting everyone pretty hard…." even as Eld reported what'd been occurring within the squad to Levi, he was still scrutinizing Eren, brown creased with concern.

"But if I had to speculate, I'd say this is hardest on you, Sir."

Levi's eyes widened slightly at Eld's insight.

"And why is that, exactly?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow and looking at the blonde, baffled.

"Out of everyone in the squad- you're the closest with Eren. You spend the most time together, he's nearly always with you, for safety reasons, of course, and you took responsibility for him. So… how are you handling the situation, Captain?"

"I'm fine, Eld."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I don't want to see Jager die- I wish I'd realized what was going on before it came to this- but Jager is far from the first soldier I've seen try to end themselves."

Eld's eyes widened in surprise, and Levi looked over at Jager's pale face, sighing.

"He is the youngest, though. Most of the ones I saw die were veterans who'd lost everything…."

Eld was staring at the ground, slightly ashamed he'd even brought the subject up. He'd wanted to make certain his Captain was alright, not bring up more painful memories.

"What if he dies, Sir?" Eld asked, shooting a lingering glance at the crimson stained bandages.

"That depends who you ask. The nobles will be relieved- the Military Police will use it as ammunition as they speak of our incompetence-"

_I'll never be able to walk into the dungeons again without remembering the echoes. I'll never be able to look into a cell without imagining a bed with that brat in it, tangled up in the blankets and slobbering all over the pillow, snoring like a fucking train…._

"Humanity will have lost a major asset-"

_There will be no green eyes or stupid-ass smiles in my office anymore. There won't be anyone to yell at for fidgeting while I try and do my paper work…._

"And I will most likely be court-martialed."

"What!?" Eld looked horrified.

Levi looked over at him calmly, as always. "What did you expect? The boy was my responsibility, if he dies I'll have to answer for it."

"But- they can't!" Eld was still looking horrified. "You're Humanity's Strongest soldier!"

Levi rolled his eyes. "You're naive. I'll probably be reprimanded severely- they won't jail me. I'm needed on the front. Even the nobles know it. But humanity won't be the only one losing if we lose Jager…. The unit will have lost an amazing kid."

Levi fell silent, pursing his lips and looking over at Jager, pissed that the boy hadn't even twitched. He rarely admitted his true thoughts on Jager's worth, and now that he had, the brat wasn't even awake to hear it.

Eld had fallen silent, staring straight ahead, uncertain.

"Eld. Not a word of this to the squad- everything is still so uncertain, they shouldn't worry themselves over hypotheticals…."

"The squad might lose Eren, Sir. But losing you as well- that would be the killing blow." Eld looked serious.

"You aren't going to lose me."

"You just said-"

" _Hypothetically,_ Eld. It's all _speculation._ " Levi said, shooting his comrade a sharp glance. "Now head back to your quarters."

Eld's lips formed a firm line, and for a brief moment he looked as though he was going to protest before seeing the edge in Levi's expression. There would be sharp words if he protested.

So instead he turned, heading down the warmly lit hallway, his footsteps echoing off the empty stone hall.

Levi sighed once he was gone, turning back to look at Eren, smoothing the boy's bangs from his face. "I'm not going to wait forever, you know. Even my patience runs thin- I know you think you don't deserve to live, but I honestly don't care right now. Open your eyes."

There was a groan- Eren's eyes darted around beneath his eyelids, fingers of his hand twitching slightly, before he was still.

Levi's eyes widened slightly. He hadn't expected the boy to actually respond to his voice, but it was the most response he'd gotten all day.

"That's satisfactory. Gather your strength- I expect you to be conscious when I speak to you tomorrow."

Eren's head lolled to the side, falling still except for the somewhat hitching rise and fall of his chest.

Levi nodded to himself quietly- Eren was responding, even if he wasn't exactly conscious. "Not bad." he muttered to himself. It wasn't momentous- but it was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate any feedback you guys can offer! :)


	10. The Journal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright- it's late and I'm in a hurry, but this is more a heart-to-heart as Levi figures out how he can help his titan-shifter.
> 
> I hope Levi isn't too OOC here- I wanted him to be caring, since he cares about his soldiers (especially Eren), but not exactly eloquent, as he's still a bit out of his element here. Please comment! :)

The first thing he was aware of was the pain. It was as though some sort of animal was trapped within his rib cage, clawing frantically at the side of his chest every time he breathed. For a moment the pain was all consuming- he wasn't in his body, he wasn't alive- there was just… pain.

It could've lasted for hours or minutes, he wasn't sure. When he finally came back to himself, he was staring at the bright peach colored back of his eyelids. His chest still burned furiously each time he tried to breathe, but the pain was in the background, now, overwritten by his consciousness.

He struggled to open his eyelids for a moment, and recoiled when he finally did, blinded for a brief second by sunlight that was streaming through the windows, landing on his face. He quickly closed his eyes again, struggling to get his bearings, before he managed to open his eyes carefully.

His eyes adjusted to the sunlight, he looked around the room numbly, confused. He was laying in a bed- crisp sheets covered his waist, his chest was horribly bruised, arm bandaged. Captain Levi was dozing in a chair beside his bed, chin to his chest, as sunlight streamed through the window.

He was still tired and confused for a brief moment- he wondered what'd happened to him. Had he been attacked, or been in some sort of accident?

_Worthless fucking monster._

The words bubbled up from the back of his mind, and his eyes widened. He remembered it, then, remembered Gunther, remembered everything- and realized he was still alive.

Some sort of animal sound escaped his throat- a half-shriek of anguish and frustration. Levi started awake, looking down at Jager, afraid.

"Eren! Eren, what's going on!?"

Eren curled into a ball on the bed despite the protests from his body, dissolving into hysterical sobs. His chest crackled and burned, he hugged his midsection in agony, becoming nothing but emotion for a few moments.

Levi stared down at the boy, shock and confusion on his face. Was Eren in pain?

" _D-d-die… I just wanted…."_ Eren choked out between sobs. Levi stopped dead for a moment, lips parting, an expression of horror overtaking his face. Eren was upset because he wasn't dead?

"Eren. Eren, look at me." Levi was on his feet, trying to uncurl Eren from the ball of misery and hate he'd dissolved into. Eren made no move to respond, continuing to sob and choke out all his regrets….

Levi was helpless. There was absolutely nothing he could say, the boy wasn't listening to him, and he needed to pull Eren out from these poisonous thoughts he was drowning himself in.

Not knowing what else to do, he crawled into bed beside Eren, wrapping his arms around the boy. Eren looked up from where he'd been mentally ripping himself to shreds, eyes teary and confused, before he dissolved into Levi's arms, burying his face in Levi's shoulder and sobbing.

Levi simply rubbed circles on his back, ignoring the way his heart protested painfully when Eren choked out more self-demeaning phrases.

"M-monster…. I-I'm a monster! Y-you p-promised to kill me if I lost control…. _Why didn't you kill me!?"_ Eren stared at him, betrayal thick in his green eyes.

"You never lost control, Eren…."

"I nearly killed Mikasa and Gunther! I'm a danger to everyone around me…." Eren burst into frantic, hiccuping sobs again, pawing desperately at Levi's chest, as though somehow the man could release him from all the anguish he was suffering.

Levi was silent- he'd been hit hard by the knowledge there was nothing he could do for the brat- no matter how many times he told Eren he was worth something, that he _wasn't a_ monster- Eren wouldn't hear it over the screaming in his own mind. Until Levi could get him calmed down and rational, he wouldn't be able to get through to him.

So instead he clutched the shattering boy close to him, as though holding him tightly would bring all his shattered pieces together. Eren simply sobbed, screaming blasphemy about how worthless he was, and Levi closed his eyes and let the boy cry. There was nothing he could say that would possibly help Eren right now- instead, he simply held the boy as he rode out the uncontrollable emotions.

It was painful, to clutch at shards of broken glass- just like it was to hold onto Eren Jager. To listen to the boy verbally tear himself to shreds, to hear the hate dripping from his words was like a blow to Levi. All this shit had been running through the boy's mind, poisoning him, for god knew how long- and he hadn't known.

The whimpers- the animalistic cries and gasps that escaped Eren as he fought his own mind- each sound lashed another wound onto Levi's heart, and the man closed his eyes and simply bore it, praying it would be over soon.

Eventually, Jager cried himself to exhaustion, and, still hiccuping sobs, fell back into the oblivion of sleep. Levi hoped it was oblivion, anyways- the kid could find no peace in his waking hours, so he prayed that at least in sleep, the boy had no nightmares.

Levi was left to lay in the bed beside the boy, still holding onto Eren- more for his sake than the boy's. He looked at the pinched sleeping face- how had one fifteen year old boy fallen so far? How had he slipped into the traps of self-hatred and doubt- how had he concealed this much _hurt_ without anyone- not one of his peers- seeing it?

Levi simply hung his head, tucking it beneath Eren's chin and listening to the reassuring sound of Eren's heart thrumming against his chest. Despite how much Eren didn't want to be here- he was still alive. That was little comfort, but comfort all the same.

Levi sighed, brushing Eren's bangs from his face. Eren was clearly more broken than he- or anyone, really- had thought. Eren's cutting hadn't been some desperate cry for attention or some form of acting out- it'd been a way to relieve the hatred, the pure, voluminous hatred, that the boy had for himself. He'd been so ignorant to think it could be solved by simply taking the boy's sharp instruments and keeping a closer eye on him.

Eren Jager was, for lack of a better word, broken. Emotionally, physically, broken. His very thought process was broken- on the most basic level, Eren's thoughts were circling back to self-hatred, highlighting every flaw he had and magnifying it tenfold.

In order to save the boy from his demons, Levi was going to have to alter the boy's very way of thinking. He wasn't sure it was even possible, but he had to try- the alternative was giving up. He absolutely _refused_ to give up on Eren.

Thoughts sorted out, Levi quietly untangled his limbs from Jager, sitting up and making up his mind. He'd ask Petra to watch Eren for a while, grab a quick bite to eat, shower and freshen up, and be back by midnight. He had a soldier to fix.

* * *

By the time Eren woke up again, it was late evening. Darkness seeped into his room from the window, and the candles that'd been lit in the room struggled to fend off the darkness.

Eren slowly sat up, wincing and scrubbing at his sandy-eyes. He remembered bits and pieces, fragments, really….

Captain Levi was in the room. He'd completely broken down and cried, and Captain Levi had seen it…. He looked away, fist clenching and mind fighting to keep the flush of embarrassment from his face. Why- why did he always have to be so weak?

"So- you feeling better?" Levi inquired gently.

Eren actually laughed. He'd just tried to kill himself and woken up to find out he was alive, against his desires, and completely lost his shit in front of his superior officer. And yet Levi had the audacity to ask him if he was feeling better.

Levi's eyes widened slightly at Eren's hollow laughter, but he chose to ignore it. He nodded to a bowl of broth sitting on Eren;s bedside table. "Hungry?"

"Not really." He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he'd die if he refused to eat. The notion was both painful and frightening- at least with jumping, he wouldn't have to suffer as much as starvation.

"Eat it anyways." Levi spoke up, nudging the bowl toward Eren. "Please."

Eren hesitated for a brief second, before he hesitantly picked up the bowl and put it to his lips, taking a long sip of broth. It was still a bit warm, but that was all he really registered- he didn't taste it at all.

Levi nodded his approval, and Erne wordlessly took another sip, then another. They sat in awkward silence for a few moments, interrupted only by Eren sipping at his broth.

"So Eren- how do you feel about yourself?"

Eren stopped dead, choking on the liquid he'd been forcing down his throat. He coughed, eyes wide with surprise, and the bowl of broth would've spilled had Levi not hurriedly taken it from him.

Eren dissolved into shocked coughing, trying to clear his windpipe, which made his ribs flare with pain and his eyes water. He ended up doubled over, clutching his ribs. It took him a full minute or so to regain his composure, and he looked up at Levi through watery eyes, confused.

"W-what do you mean?" he wheezed.

"How do you see yourself, Eren?" Levi was quietly handing him a small leather book with blank pages- a journal of sorts, Eren realized, and Levi nudging a pen into his hands. "Just- describe yourself for me. you don't have to say it aloud or anything but just- tell me, Eren- what do you think of when you hear your name?"

"Um… alright." Eren flipped the book open to the first page- crisp, white, he lifted the pen hesitantly, thinking for a brief moment….

 _Clumsy._ the pen scratched across the paper. Levi nodded, eyebrows furrowed, and Eren apparently found more inspiration, as he pursed his lips and continued.

_Angry. Sad. Lonely. Dangerous._

Levi frowned, but Eren had apparently forgotten LEvi altogether, as the pen continued to scratch across the page furiously.

_Sub-par. Stupid. Erratic. Unpredictable. Monster. FREAK…._

The paper tore beneath Eren's frantic pen strokes as he scribbled the words furiously, and he looked up as it did, surprised.

Levi was looking at the paper, lips parted, a mixture of concern and curiosity on his face.

"What is it, Captain?" Eren asked, voice dripping with sarcasm as he saw Levi's expression. "Are you afraid of me too?"

"I could kill you in an instant, Jager." Levi retorted, face remaining stoic.

Eren scoffed. "Then why don't you do us both a favor and do it already?" he demanded.

Levi wanted to ignore the comment, but he couldn't. Instead, he leaned forward, frowning.

"Where is all this coming from?" he asked, pointing at the page incredulously. "All this hate, Eren- you really don't like yourself, do you?"

Eren suddenly found the bedsheets incredibly interesting to look at, and Levi continued. "So tell me- where does it come from? All this hate, all this shit you keep telling yourself- how'd it start?"

Eren frowned, remaining silent for a brief moment. "I… I don't know. I guess- it was just what they told me, you know? I mean, even before I figured out I was a titan, I got called names- at training camp they called me the suicidal maniac. It just grew from there, I guess- figuring out I could turn into a titan didn't help matters much, it just gave them more ammunition. In prison, the guards would spit at me and mutter it, and even here… the squad thinks that of me."

"I'll agree with you that the squad didn't exactly take to you right away. But they don't think you're dangerous, Eren…."

"Captain- don't lie to me." Eren said, green eyes looking at Levi seriously.

Levi sighed. "Alright- so you're more dangerous than the average soldier, yes, but it also makes you an incredible asset. The squad's been checking on you since you jumped, Eren- they're all worried about you."

Eren laughed again. "I said not to lie to me, Captain."

"I'm telling you the truth, Eren."

Eren was quiet for a moment, contemplating the seriousness in Levi's expression and realizing the man was genuine.

"Really?" Eren looked shocked, fingers gripping the sheets tightly, lips parted, expression painted with surprise and a bit of… hope… on his face.

Levi nodded. "Really, Eren. People are worried for you…."

"Even Gunther?"

"Gunther the most, probably. He felt guilty- he was the one who attacked you before you jumped."

"That was my decision, dammit!" Eren barked. "That's on me! Not him!"

"Like it or not, Eren- your actions affect others. If you'd succeeded in ending your life- the squad might not have recovered."

Eren was silent for a long moment, his eyes falling closed as he struggled to coem to grips with the fact.

"Why do you tell yourself these lies, Eren?" Levi gently took the journal from Eren's hands. "Alright, I'll agree you're a clumsy oaf. But not nearly as bad as Auruo- the idiot's always biting his tongue."

Eren said nothing, his breathing becoming slightly uneven as he listened- he wanted to believe what Levi was telling him, he really did… but there was still that tiny voice in the back of his mind, whispering ' _worthless'._

"Angry." Levi wrinkled his nose. "More like zealous. Sad- you're sad because you're lonely, and you're lonely because you're lying to yourself- you aren't alone, Eren- everyone is right here, if you'd just reach out to us…."

Levi looked up, surprised, when he heard rapid breathing. Jager was hyperventilating, almost, tears trickling down his face.

"I… I just don't know how any of you could like me…. I disappoint myself, _so much,_ you know? And I try so hard but it's _never good enough_ , and I'm never gonna be anything but a _freak_ …." The words tumbled out, becoming more and more frantic until Eren was choking on his own sobs between them.

Levi pulled the boy into a hug. "You've got it all wrong, Jager…."

"I wish I could just stop breathing…." Eren whimpered, before he buried his face in Levi's shoulder, tears wetting the older man's shirt.

Levi stared, alarmed for a moment at how quickly the boy had gone from self-hatred to suicidal.

"Hey- hey, we're gonna fix this, you understand me?" his tone was soft as he looked at the teenager in his arms- Jager so so fucking _vulnerable,_ he wondered how anyone could entertain the possibility of the boy being anything _but_ human.

Eren simply whimpered in reply.

"I'm serious, Eren- this journal, for one thing. You're gonna write down your fucking feelings in it, yeah? And we're gonna go over them every night, just you and I…." Eren made no move to lift his head from Levi's shoulder, so the man plowed onward. "You're going to be happy again, dammit. I don't care what it takes, but dammit- you're going to be okay. You hear me?"

Eren looked up at him with watery eyes. The boy really was still just a child, wounded and lost….

"Thank you."

"Not a problem, brat." Levi ruffled Eren's hair, allowing himself to smile slightly, glad he'd managed to give Eren a bit of hope. "Get some sleep- and write in that goddamn journal. Understand?"

Eren nodded, and Levi wordlessly handed him a handkerchief and stood from the bed. "Now get some sleep. God knows you need it." he settled back in his chair beside Eren's bed.

"Levi?" Eren's voice was so soft Levi nearly didn't hear it.

"Yes?" Levi turned, looking at the boy carefully.

"I-I'll see you tomorrow." he stuttered, offering the Captain a wane smile.

Levi froze for a split second, shocked that one conversation could make the boy go from wanting to die to looking forward to waking up the next morning, but he returned the smile, nodding to the boy and watching Eren's eyelids flutter closed before sleep claimed him.


	11. Animal

Eren was kept still for the next day before he was allowed to walk around with limited supervision- he was excused from drills due to his healing injuries, and everyone went out of their way to be kind to him. While he appreciated the effort- he felt like it was a waste of time.

He tried to journal for Levi, but the words wouldn't really come. He found his entries were quite dry and unappealing.

_Cleaned the stables and tended the horses. I feel as much like an animal as they do, sometimes._

_Ate lunch. Food has no taste anymore._

_Have a few hour to myself. Everyone keeps smiling around me, but nobody talks to me._

Dinner was much the same- the normal atmosphere was overwhelmed by people cracking jokes and shooting him glances, trying to gauge his expression.

He appreciated the effort, he really did. But he was incredibly tired, and in all honesty, it was the most he could do to nod along with them and force a rather tired smile. He'd forgotten home hard it was to deal with people.

_I want to cut myself._

He set down the pen from where he sat in the dungeon, laying his head in his arms and biting his lip. He wanted to bleed so badly- to let all the bad, all the monster, drip out onto the stone floors until he was something beautiful, something worthwhile- but they'd found his piece if broken glass- he had nothing to really hurt himself with.

He was about to sink his teeth into his arm when he heard footsteps on the stone and looked up, finding Levi walking towards his cell.

"Oi. Follow me."

Eren stared for a moment, confused, before he remembered- he was supposed to talk to Levi. He was so exhausted, though, so frustrated- he just wanted pain- that he wasn't even sure he could. But he didn't want to disappoint his superior, and so he scooped up his journal and trotted behind the man.

The hallways were deserted, as it was late in the night, and the torchlight and shadows were their only companions as he stepped into Levi's office behind the man.

Levi wordlessly motioned for Eren to sit, taking the Journal from the boy before falling into his desk chair, opening the book and placing it on the desk between them. The boy had only written a few sentences, to his dismay, and Levi frowned, brows furrowing as he read them. Each one seemed to grow more and more distant, more heartbreaking…..

He'd finished reading them within a minute and looked up at Eren questioningly. Eren, for his part, was sitting in the chair, hands in his lap, forearms resting on his thighs, staring at the floor.

"Why do you feel like an animal?"

He looked up slightly at Levi's question, looking surprised, before he shrugged, looking defeated. "I dunno…."

"But you do know, Eren. Otherwise you wouldn't have written it. Now tell me- why do you feel like an animal?"

"Just forget it. I don't know why I wrote that." Eren said, voice dull, not looking up.

Levi frowned, voice becoming a bit sharp. "I can't help you if you won't explain yourself. Now- why do you feel like an animal?"

Eren looked up, eyes flashing with anger. "I said I was wrong! I don't know why I wrote it, so just leave me alone!" his hands were clenched into fists, green eyes burning.

Levi stared at him, leaning forward onto the table, silvery eyes never leaving Eren's face. "Liar."

That was all it took to before the volcano of emotion that was Eren Jager erupted.

"I feel like an animal because I _am one,_ you ignorant fuck!" Eren had sprung to his feet so rapidly the chair clattered to the floor behind him, hands clenched into fists, eyes burning. "I live in a fucking cage, I can't be anywhere without my handler, everyone is afraid of me, and I could kill everyone here with one mistake! I AM A FUCKING ANIMAL!"

Eren swept his hand across the desk, knocking the journal, along with another assortment of papers, to the floor, kicking the wall, frustrated….

Before he realized what he was doing. He was doing exactly what he always did- knocking things down, ruining things, destroying. He was doing exactly what a monster would.

His eyes widened as he stumbled backwards, before he was in the corner of the office, knees to his chest, hands clenched into fists in front of his mouth, large green eyes wide with fear and glistening with unshed tears at his actions.

"S-shit…." he whispered, voice barely audible.

Levi said nothing, simply frowning slightly and bending over, not looking at Eren. He shuffled his papers back in order, replaced the journal, and strode across the room in three brisk steps so he was facing Jager.

Eren said nothing, simply screwing his eyes shut, waiting for the blow to come. He knew insubordination and outbursts didn't go unpunished, and his shoulders shook with dread at the anticipated pain.

Instead, there was a finger beneath his chin, lifting his head.

Eren's green eyes opened, surprised, to find he was staring at his Captain Levi, who was crouched before him.

"Was that really so hard?" Levi asked, voice quiet- he could see Jager was shaking like a leaf.

Eren said nothing, eyes still wide- it was clear the boy was afraid of him, wasn't comprehending what he was saying.

Levi sighed, running a hand over his face. "I'm not going to hit you, Eren. These sessions are a place to speak your mind- in this office, you're safe. You understand me?"

Eren paused for a brief second before nodding hesitantly, eyes still wide. Still, his shaking lessened slightly.

"Now, that being said- was it really so hard to tell me that, Eren?"

Eren nodded, a few tears leaking from the corner of his eyes as he sniffed.

"I-It seems… real… when I say it out loud. When it's just my t-thoughts, it's different. B-but when I say it out loud- it's real." Jager was on the verge of breaking.

Levi sighed. That explained a lot. It explained why Eren hadn't said anything to anyone, why he'd insisted on suffering in silence at the hands of his own mind. These poison thoughts had been seeping into the boy's head, and he'd said nothing, fearing people would affirm that his fears were the truth….

"You're wrong, Eren."

Eren looked up, watery eyes pull of pain. "I'm not wrong. I sleep in a cage… I turn into a monster…." he looked down, eyes downcast.

Levi refused to let Jager escape the conversation that easily, once again tilting the boy's chin upward.

"You're wrong." he repeated firmly. "The dungeons are a front, Eren- you stay there so the brass doesn't piss themselves. Sleeping down there doesn't make you a monster. you're always with soldiers because you _joined the fucking army-_ it's kinda hard to _not_ be with soldiers in the military, you know?" Levi smiled slightly at the obviousness of the statement, at the surprise on Jager's face.

"And you very well can turn into a titan. But being a titan doesn't make you a monster, Eren. Killing humans does. You may take on the form of a titan- but you never were one. Even in titan form, you fight them- the other titans- the real monsters. You've never once eaten a person simply because you wanted to. You aren't a titan."

Eren wiped his face on his sleeve, and Levi frowned, disgusted. He pulled a handkerchief from pocket, dabbing at the tears on the boy's face.

"You're the angstiest brat I've ever fucking met- but you're far from an animal." he concluded, finishing dabbing at the boy's face. He offered the boy hand up, which Eren shakily took, before standing, looking down at the Captain, relieved and bashful.

"Thank you…."

"Don't thank me, brat- I simply informed you of an obvious truth." Levi said dismissively, waving a hand. He glanced over at journal lying open on his desk from the corner of his eye- there were other things he wanted to address that Jager had written, but it was clear that the boy had been pushed far enough tonight. Better to take it slow.

Levi nodded. "I'd say we're done here." he said curtly. Eren looked surprised for a moment before he nodded, turning to go.

"Oi- follow me." Levi said.

Eren looked confused, but obeyed, falling into step behind the man and following him through the torch-lit halls, until he reached the Captain's personal quarters.

Eren stopped dead, and Levi frowned, turning to the boy. "Well? You coming or what?"

Eren hesitantly stepped into the room behind the Captain.

There was a large, four poster bed, a small desk before the window, a fireplace and a single armchair, and at the foot of the bed- a small, clean-sheeted, cot.

Levi turned, taking in Jager's shocked expression.

"As I said- having you sleeping in the dungeons is a front to placate the brass. I'm clearing you to sleep here, so long as you don't leave the room in the night without informing me."

Eren nodded hesitantly, still looking uncomfortable….

"Well? Would you rather sleep in the dungeons?"

"N-no Sir."

Levi frowned. "I said you didn't have to call me that when we were alone."

"Right- t-thank you, Levi."

Levi nodded curtly, accepting the boy's gratitude. "Not a problem. Now get some sleep." Levi moved to take off his cravat, and Eren hesitantly pulled off his Jacket, quietly folding it and placing it beside the bed, leaving him in his green shirt and white slacks.

Levi nodded, approving of the boy's choice to fold his jacket as he climbed into his own bed.

"I have only one rule while you stay here, brat. No messes."

With that said, Levi blew out the candle, leaving them in total darkness.

Despite his original uneasiness, Eren fell asleep within minutes, his breathing deep and Even. Levi quietly laid back in his bed, slightly relaxed. It was nice, having Jager in his room. He knew he wouldn't have been able to sleep with the knowledge the boy was in the dungeons, possibly trying to hurt himself. But being in the same room with Jager was oddly comforting- he knew the boy was alright when he was this close, could check on him in the night if need be.

It was temporary, he reminded himself. Only until they'd gotten Jager sorted out….

Never mind the fact he hadn't exactly cleared the new arrangement with Erwin. He'd tell the man of the recent change in plan tomorrow. That was his last hazy thought before the Corporal, too, gave into sleep.


	12. A Surprising Development

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi realizes that having Jager around may be therapeutic for him, as well. Can be read as early Ereri or friendship, whatever you want it to be. ;)

The days settled into a tranquil routine after that first, rather wild counseling session with Jager.

The boy was by no means cured- he had, however, found ways to cope other than cutting himself, though it meant he had to stay near Levi often and journal. Still- to Levi, it was progress.

The days settled into a healthy routine. Levi awoke before dawn to find his clothes had been laid out, dressing and getting to work on paperwork and other details that being an officer involved, careful to dress quietly so as not to disturb Jager.

At approximately quarter to five every morning, a bleary-eyed Jager would duck into his office with a steaming cup of black tea in hand one hand, and a brew Levi didn't recognize in the other. Levi would thank the boy with his gaze, they'd enjoy their beverages in silence, and Jager would sit patiently and wait for his superior to decide they were heading down to breakfast, sometimes speaking, sometimes not, depending on how he felt.

Most of the times, it was just a comfortable silence. Levi didn't really mind it- in all honesty, it was nice to have someone check over the letters he received, someone to wet the flaps of the envelopes so the glue would be activated (no licking was permitted. it was disgusting.).

While Jager looked to be dumb as shit- he was actually a decent office assistant. He was able to alphabetize quickly, and while his penmanship was deplorable, he was proficient in math and able to work out a timetable when Levi needed him to.

At six, Levi would wordlessly stand, Jager would finish whatever work he'd been attending to and smile, and they'd walk down to the dining hall for breakfast.

Eren enjoyed watching the antics of the squad- the way Petra beat Auruo over the head for his obvious flirting, the way they squabble- it was all interesting to him. He would watch it play out, sometimes hiding his laughing behind his hand or pretending to wipe his face with a napkin so no one saw the grin on his face. It was refreshing to be with other people.

Levi would assign the daily duties, and he and Jagger would part. Jager would attend training or whatever other chores he needed to complete- titan shifter or not, the boy was still a soldier.

Still- Levi always found his office a little emptier without Jager to staple papers for him or run errands.

Corporal Levi was a busy man- it wasn't unusual for him to work straight through lunch. He'd look up to find a tray resting on the corner of his desk, with some sort of lunch on it. It didn't take him long to figure out who kept delivering it to him, and he honestly didn't mind- if Jager wanted to save him the trip to the dining hall, then so be it.

Sometimes, on bad days, Jager would drop in periodically- he had Levi's express permission to leave training or whatever it was he was doing if he got the urge to harm himself and come see him, and while the boy did have bad days, they grew farther and farther apart and less frequent. Levi saw that as a small victory, as well.

Still, on most days, they didn't see each other again until dinner, and even then, they didn't really speak freely with one another until they were in Levi's office by candle light, discussing Eren's journal entries.

Levi found that as one week turned to two, and two to three, the conversations became less centered on Jager wanting to hurt himself and more on what was going on in the boy's life. It was a subtle change, but one Levi noticed- the worrisome entries in Jager's journal slowed down to a trickle, and he found their counseling sessions becoming more and more enjoyable, hearing about the antics of the squad throughout the day.

Eventually, they'd retire. Eren had a habit of wishing the Corporal goodnight after folding up his jacket, one Levi found himself returning the phrase quite often.

Levi would look down at the cot at his feet before he blew out the candles each night, mentally surveying the boy, making sure he had enough blankets and was comfortable and looking well. The silence between them was comfortable- never strained- the way Levi liked it.

Levi knew he would feel the difference if Jager returned to sleeping in the dungeons, which was why he was putting off moving the boy back down there. He was doing well enough to be left on his own, but some clingy part of Levi refused to send the boy back to such an uninviting place.

Levi cringed to himself when he caught himself watching the sleeping brat in the candlelight, resting his head in his hand. God help him if he was beginning to enjoy the brat's company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all the wonderful comments and support! I hope you guys are enjoying the fic! :)


	13. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is reunited with Mikasa and Armin. We all know there's a brief gap from when the Scouting regiment takes custody of Eren and Mikasa and Armin joining, canonically, and all this has happened during that time.
> 
> Please comment! I love any and all feedback you can give me! :)

The Levi squad scrutinized the new recruits with sharp gazes, looking up and down the ranks with seriousness. They knew not all the new recruits would survive.

"Opinions, anyone?" Levi asked, keeping his voice low. His squad was beside him, Eren in particular standing next to him, craning his neck and surveying the faces eagerly.

"They look like a bunch of greenhorns, Sir." Auruo said, voice lacking any amusement.

"Of course they look like green horns- they _are_ greenhorns. But they have potential."

Eld nodded wordlessly, agreeing, while Gunther surveyed everyone intensely instead of speaking.

"Eren? Any thoughts?" Levi queried.

Eren's mouth had gone dry. "They're… nearly all from my squad…."

Levi raised his eyebrows, looking surprised by the news. That just might complicate things.

"You'll be allowed to speak to them at dinner, if you wish." he said, tone measured. He wasn't sure if he wanted to risk Jager being triggered, but he couldn't exactly keep the boy from his old squad mates. He could, however, let Eren choose if he wanted to speak to them or not.

Eren nodded, swallowing, and Levi turned to Squad Leader Mike. "Get the brats through orientation and into the barracks, then bring them to the dining hall."

Mike nodded, turning to fulfill his orders, and Levi could see the uneasy look in Eren's eyes. He knew the boy was feeling overwhelmed right now, because he'd learned to how read the book that was Eren Jager.

He jerked his head to the side. "Jager. Walk with me."

If the rest of the Levi squad knew that Levi wasn't simply going to tell him that his old squad being here was no excuse to lose focus, they said nothing. they knew that Eren was often with Levi, and they knew their superior was somewhat… gentler… when it came to dealing with Jager, they never spoke of it out of respect for Eren.

Levi waited until they were out of earshot from the rest of his squad before he spoke. "How do you feel? About them being here?"

Eren shrugged. "I-I'm kind of glad, I guess- but they're going to ask questions."'

Levi frowned, cocking an eyebrow. "How would they know about what happened these past few weeks? They haven't been here, it's remained strictly confidential…."

"My sister is in the squad."

Levi nodded. "And?"

"She- she'll just _know,_ she's overprotective and she has a way of just knowing when I'm broken."

"You're not broken, Jager. You're healing."

Eren nodded, before he ran a hand through his hair, letting out a breath. "Right. I know. I just… I don't know if I really want to tell her or my friends about what happened…."

"Then don't. She'll respect your decision not to tell you- and if she doesn't, I'll speak to her." Levi said firmly, turning to look at the boy he'd come to think of as a friend more than a subordinate. "You don't have to answer to anybody but me, Jager. If they make you uncomfortable or overwhelmed, you have my permission to leave. If you start to get overwhelmed I'll call you over to my table- make it look official, like I'm giving orders. Sound good?"

Eren let out a long breath, nodding. "Yes. Sounds good." truthfully, he was still anxious about being questioned about everything that'd happened recently, but Levi had considerably lessened that anxiety. Still, he knew he wouldn't be completely at ease until he was done doing… whatever it was he decided to do about telling his friends of his recent issues.

He took a deep breath, turning and heading to the stables to finish his chores. By the time he was finished, dinner was being served, and he quickly washed up before steeling himself, taking a shaky breath and stepping into the dining hall.

As soon as he did, he was ambushed. he nearly attacked, but he was enveloped by the familiar scent of something he couldn't quite place, and caught a glimpse of a red scarf…. He relaxed into the arms, smiling and allowing himself to return the embrace slightly.

"Mikasa." he'd forgotten how much he missed her counsel, her company, just having her around in general, actually.

Mikasa pulled back far too soon for his liking, dark eyes surveying his face anxiously. Though she said nothing, he could see all the worry in her eyes.

_Have you been eating? Have you been sleeping? Have they been treating you well?_

Eren wordlessly looked away for a moment, not able to answer her right now in front of everyone…. Hell, he wasn't even sure he'd be able to answer her when they were somewhere private.

"Eren! Hey Eren, c'mon, we saved a spot for you!" Connie shouted across the dining hall, pointing. Eren smiled, relieved for the distraction, striding over. They'd saved his customary spot on the bench, and he took a seat between Armin and Mikasa.

Armin smiled over at his friend, sliding him a plate of rations. "It's good to see you again, Eren. Have they been treating you well?"

"Yeah. It's nice here." Eren said dully, though he knew he sounded unconvincing and tired- that was what worry did to people. His routine- his neat, orderly routine with Levi had been disrupted, and it made him anxious, which was compounded by the fact he'd have to tell his friends he'd tried to kill himself while they were gone….

Eren wordlessly took a bite of his food, wanting an excuse to be silent.

"You look tired." Mikasa speculated.

Eren laughed. "Yeah. Turning into a titan does that to people." he said good-humoredly, trying to deflect the question.

Armin frowned. "They've been experimenting on you? Have they hurt you at all?" his blue eyes were spattered with concern.

"No." _Not nearly as much as I've hurt myself._

"It's actually really nice here- clean, orderly- everything's on a schedule. It's challenging and exhausting, but I like it." Eren smiled- a genuine smile, this time, as he was telling the truth. He really did feel safe here.

"Do they feed you a lot?" Sasha demanded, half-eaten bread falling out of her mouth as she practically inhaled her soup.

Eren couldn't help but laugh at the familiar sight. "Yes, they feed us plenty." he grinned when Sasha's eyes began to glow with happiness.

"I could care less about the food. Are the beds any good? The ones at training were uncomfortable as hell." Reiner spoke up, looking interested.

The dungeon had been particularly uncomfortable and musty, but sleeping in Levi;s room was much better.

Eren shrugged. "I can't say. I've never slept in the barracks."

"Where do they keep you, then?" Connie asked, looking confused.

"Ah… they're supposed to keep me in the dungeon at night…." Eren admitted. He wasn't ready to admit he actually slept in Captain Levi's room, as he was afraid his friends would get the wrong idea.

Everyone fell silent at the information, suddenly growing somber.

"Are you sure they're treating you well, Eren?" Armin asked, voice low.

Eren laughed. "Yes, they're treating me fine! I have a bed down there, and blankets, it just gets a little damp sometimes. Everyone's really nice, and Captain Levi genuinely cares about his men." his eyes were sincere, as he yet again believed what he was saying.

Still, they were getting too serious for him to be comfortable. Eren looked towards the end of the table, eyes landing on Jean. He sucked in a breath. "Oh my god…."

"What?" Jean growled, looking rather sleep-deprived and tired.

"All these days have passed, yet you still look like a fucking horse."

The entire table burst out laughing. Jean rolled his eyes, though secretly, he was kind of happy- he'd missed the banter he and Jager had had. Because of that nostalgia, he'd let Jager get away with being a dick this once.

The table descended into less serious conversation, as everyone fell back to the chatter they'd normally have in training. Eren was informed as to what'd happened in his absence, and of Annie's joining the military police.

Still, as the candles burned down and people began to retire to the barracks, Mikasa and Armin stayed. Despite Eren's best efforts, Mikasa could see the slight pallor to his complexion and the slightly strained look on his face when he smiled, and Armin had a gut feeling something was wrong with his friend.

Eren stood, nodding to his friends. "You two wanna go for a walk?"

Armin nodded, falling into step beside his friend with Mikasa on his other side, as they headed for the courtyard.

The moon was nearly full, and the silver light bathed their faces and lit their path as they walked.

"Eren. What's going on. I can tell something's bothering you- are you not well?" Mikasa's voice broke the silence. Eren stopped walking to find both Mikasa and Armin looking at him apprehensively. He'd known he wouldn't be able to keep it from them, but still, it was going to be hard to tell them….

"A few weeks ago, I tried to kill myself."

There was one beat of silence, two…. Eren looked over to find himself staring at a tearful Armin. "Eren…. I'm so sorry…." the blond choked out.

"It's not your fault, guys." Eren forced a smile- it hurt him to know his news was hurting his friends with the news.

"I… I was just hurting, I guess, and scared…. I messed up pretty bad, everyone had been calling me a monster, and I just figured I'd stop myself before I really hurt someone…. I failed, though. I'm really glad I did."

Mikasa had thrown her arms around him, then, burying her face in his chest. She was shaking.

"I thought I lost you at Trost, Eren… I will not lose you again." she choked out, eyes burning with determination.

"I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, either. Captain Levi's been helping me deal with the issues I've been facing, and I've been doing a lot better. I just got really nervous because you were here, and I knew I'd have to tell you…."

"Is Captain Levi kind to you, Eren?" Mikasa asked quietly.

Eren was caught off guard by the question,but he didn't hesitate to answer. "Wha… of course. He's been a friend to me when I needed it most."

"Has he tried being intimate with you?" Mikasa's voice hardened, as she realized someone might possibly be trying to take advantage of Eren's emotionally vulnerable state.

"I- no! We sleep in the same room, but the Captain's _never_ tried to be intimate with me…." Eren was both embarrassed and horrified at the thought.

"You sleep in the same room!?" Mikasa's eyes widened.

"You told everyone you slept in the dungeons!" Armin piped up.

"Yes I did! I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea, like you are now!" Eren stepped back, blushing deeply.

"I don't care what he is, Eren- if he tries to take advantage of you, I will _end_ him…."

"Captain Levi is the only person who managed to save me from myself!"

The conviction in Eren's voice startled both his friends into a moment of silence.

"Captain Levi had taken time to meet with me and discuss how I can cope without hurting myself. He's been there for me in the dark times and the good ones, and he makes sure I'm doing well. It's like I said at dinner- he genuinely cares about our well being. He's one of the best officers I've met."

Armin nodded slowly, accepting the fact that Captain Levi was, in fact, helping his friend.

Mikasa still looked wary, but she seemed to accept what Eren was saying as truth.

"I believe you, Eren. But if you ever need to talk and Levi isn't available- we'll be here."

Armin nodded resolutely, tears still glistening in his blue eyes.

Eren found a lump growing in his throat- he was both relieved and moved his friends would not only accept him without criticism, but offer their counsel to him if he needed it….

"Thank you. Thank you both… so much…. I've missed having both of you by my side." he admitted quietly, voice growing husky as he blinked back emotion.

"It's no burden, Eren- you'd do the same for us." Armin assured him.

"R-right…." Eren nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve hastily. It was growing very late. "I-I should really get to bed. Don't worry- I'll be here waiting when you wake up in the morning. I sleep in Captain Levi's room, so if I need anything, it'll be taken care of."

Mikasa wordlessly nodded- still, Eren was surprised when both friends enveloped him in a hug before departing. He could barely see for a moment, as he felt their arms around him- everything was blurred by the happy tears swimming in his eyes.

* * *

Eren quietly strode into Levi's room to find the man in bed, reading a book by candle light. Still, Levi set the book aside, looking up when Eren came in.

"How did it go?"

Levi was ready to deal with a sobbing teenager if he had to, but he couldn't help but find himself hoping the news had gone over well.

Jager sniffed, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "It went really well, Levi." he said quietly, sitting down on his cot and beginning to undo his boots with shaking hands.

"I think… I think I'm gonna be okay, Levi." Eren stuttered out, looking up with tears of joy running down his face. He gave his captain a watery smile. "I'm gonna be okay."


	14. Twist of Fate

Erwin had gone to the capital, having been summoned by the brass for official business. It'd made Levi's life hell for the past few days, having to compensate, maintain his squad, and do his own duties, as well as Erwin's.

Eren had been more helpful than Levi cared to admit. Their counseling sessions had fallen by the wayside due to Levi's business, but Eren had proved himself useful at reading and summarizing documents and writing letters. He'd also found warm cups of tea beside him in the latest hours of the night, brewed exactly the way he liked it- sometimes, the boy was an absolute lifesaver.

He also kept the new recruits- including his friends- in line. The castle was perhaps slightly dirtier than usual, but only a small amount, and not enough to bother Levi or distract him. Jager knew exactly how he liked things run, and he made it happen.

Levi, for his part, made sure to seek Eren out at least once on the busy days and have a brief conversation, make sure the boy was well, before he was dragged back to official duties.

Eren still slept in his room, though, and as Levi fell into bed that night, intent on getting some sleep, he nearly forgot the boy was there, lying on the cot at the foot of his bed. He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Eren. I know we haven't had much time to talk these past few days." he admitted, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's alright, Levi. You've been so busy lately."

"Yes, but that doesn't excuse my absence." Levi had, in truth, missed the conversation. He'd never really had someone like Eren- another soldier he could be honest with, someone who listened to his opinions and laughed along with him instead of cowering at the feared Corporal.

"You haven't fallen back into old habits, have you?"

"No. Please try not to worry about me, Levi- you have enough going on as it is. And I go and find Armin or Mikasa if I need to talk to someone- I'm doing well."

Levi felt a slight pang at the news. While he was relieved that Eren had other people he could confide in, he was almost- worried? Did the arrival of Eren's friends mean he didn't need Levi anymore?

Eren sighed. "Still- I can't wait until Commander Erwin gets back and things go back to normal. It'll be nice to go back to our old routine."

Levi;s fear was allayed with the boy's comment, and he nodded, before he frowned. He hadn't realized it, but Eren had been getting up at the same time as him.

"You really don't need to get up early, Jager- you're a cadet, you're allowed to sleep until roll call at seven."

"I don't mind waking up, Levi. I always wake up when you do, anyways- besides, with all the work you've got, you could use an extra pair of hands."

Levi pursed his lips. He really couldn't argue with that. Still, he was both annoyed and grateful that he had help, because he honestly needed it.

"If you start getting tired, you'll stay in bed." he said finally.

Eren nodded. "I will. But I'm used to not sleeping much anyways- besides, it'll only be another day or so at most. The Commander will be back soon." Eren yawned slightly, turning away.

It was then Levi realized how itchy with fatigue his own eyes were, and how deliciously warm his bed was….

"Get some sleep, Jager." his voice was quiet, tone soft. He allowed a smirk to slip onto his face. "We'll see if you're still so keen on helping with paperwork in the morning."

"That we will." Eren replied, grinning slightly at his superior and friend. "Goodnight, Levi."

"Goodnight, brat."

Levi blew out the candle- the room fell into darkness, and they both drifted into a well-deserved rest.

* * *

The silence of the night was shattered by the sound of the door to Levi's quarter's being kicked open. The wood rattled as it slammed against the wall behind it, blinding light flooded the dark room, and shouting mingled into an unintelligible cacophony.

Levi couldn't move- he was still struggling to get his bearing, having been roused so callously from sleep. The bright lantern light filled the room, blurring his vision, but he could make out half a dozen faces, uniforms- the crest of the Military Police.

"So that's why the brat wasn't in the dungeon- he sleeps with his Corporal." the man spat, looking disgusted. "Fucking whore."

Levi's wide eyes darted to the foot of his bed, where three soldiers were holding Jager down as the boy struggled feverishly.

Eren saw he was awake and looked up at him, green eyes wide with fear. "Levi- what's happening!?"

"What the hell is going on!?" Levi demanded, glaring at the policemen with the most scathing glare he could muster.

"The freak's been summoned to the capital on charges of assaulting a fellow soldier. He's to stand trial before the High Court itself for his crimes."

There was the clinking of metal as Eren's hands and feet were being shackled together.

"What!? But that doesn't make any sense!" Eren burst out, confused and afraid. Levi moved to help the struggling boy, only to find himself staring down the barrel of a rifle.

"Easy now, Corporal. Wouldn't want you to get _hurt_ because of this brat, now would we?"

"You have no right to do this! Eren was awarded to the Scouting Legion…." Levi seethed.

The MP Squad Leader laughed, eyes glinting as he looked down at Levi. "What's the matter, you old perv? Upset because we're taking your whore away? I'm sure you can find another cadet who'll sell himself for you- besides- we have orders to extradite the freak to the Capital."

There was the sound of someone being struck, then, and Levi looked down to see Eren had been knocked to the floor- he was on all fours, hunched over, wrists and ankles chained together.

A brutish kick landed on the boy's flank, sending him sprawling, and his glazed emerald eyes fell on Levi as he wheezed for breath, blood leaking from the corner of his mouth.

Levi could do nothing but watch as the boy was dragged from the room, dazed and beaten- the boy's fearful gaze, begging for protection, not leaving Levi, even after the boy was dragged out of sight.

Levi's pulse was pounding in his ears, his lips were parted- he wasn't aware he was even breathing. They'd taken Eren- his best soldier, one of his few friends….

The sound of boots crossing the stone floor of the castle echoed like gunshots, before the MP had turned, staring at Levi with his predatory gaze, a smirk on his lips.

"Expect to be summoned to the High Court soon." was all he said, before he slammed the door behind him.

He was left in an empty room- blankets strewn on the floor haphazardly, a cadet's rumpled jacket lying in the center, a pair of boots knocked over. All the warmth had gone out of the place, though, it was painful to breathe- Eren was gone.

* * *

The clanking of chains mingled with the horse's hooves and the wheels. The chill night air burned his lungs, and more than once he hit his head on the wooden floor of the wagon he'd been tossing into from the jostling bumps.

He'd lost all track of time, all hope, all sense of reality. He couldn't even feel the tears streaking down his cheeks. One word echoed through the despair that was slowly consuming him- _monster._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! :)


	15. The Situation Explained

He cried himself into exhaustion- he'd long since run out of tears, and only the occasional dry sob escaped his raw throat as he laid, still shackled, in the back of the wagon, not even able to stop himself from being tossed around as they worked down bumpy roads.

His mouth was dry as sandpaper, his hands and feet numb- he'd been wrenched away from anything familiar, anything safe. He fell into numbness, simply lying in the bed of the wagon, staring at the knot holes in the wood.

He was jostled rather roughly as they hit a bump in the road- his head smacked into the wood and he tasted blood. That would be alarming to most people, but his thousand-yard stare protected him from such panicked thoughts.

He was left lying in the bed of the wagon, moving constantly with the jolting of the wagon.

He idly wondered when they would bring the jolting wagon to a halt and roughly pull him out, muttering all the while, before they threw him onto the dew-wet grass of an open field. He could already feel the cold metal of a musket pressed against his temple and finally finish him- such an ugly, unlovable creature.

He hoped it would be soon.

* * *

"You heard me- ready the fucking horses!" Levi was close to rabid- his fists clenched, teeth bared. He'd roused everyone in the middle of the night, cadets and experienced scouts alike, and assembled them all.

"Sir, I'm simply suggesting we assemble more facts before we go charging blindly into the situation…." Squad Leader Mike piped up, hands up defensively and eyes glittering with concern as he attempted to calm the Corporal.

"They've taken our greatest asset, Godammit!" _They've taken my most precious friend._

"We don't even know if they're legitimate or bounty hunters from that fucking wall cult- we need to move _now!" Eren- hold on. You're scared- please, please don't hurt yourself, I_ will _come get you…._

Mike took a step closer to Levi, lowering his voice so only his superior officer could hear.

"Sir, please- losing your composure in front of everyone will discredit anything you're about to do."

For the first time since he'd assembled everyone, Levi looked up. The torchlight danced off the waxy faces- drowsy but concerned cadets looked up at him, some doe-eyed, others afraid. Even the veteran scouts were looking at him and his gaggle of comrades, expecting the superior officers, and Levi- to remain calm and deliver orders. They needed a stable leader, not an frantic Levi.

Levi took a breath, finding the truth in the statement and forcing down emotion- while he needed to get Eren back, he needed to do it in a collected fashion, or they were doomed to fail.

He swallowed, before nodding, coming to terms with the fact. "Thank you, Mike."

"Not a problem, Sir."

The room fell into relative silence- all eyes were on Levi.

A moment later the door to the dining hall slammed open, banging against the stone wall behind it. Everyone looked up, surprised, to see Commander Erwin- he looked filthy and disheveled, like he'd ridden a full day without stopping. He stepped into the room, disregarding his urchin-like appearance, and continued walking.

He looked around, noting the legion in its entirety had been assembled- before looking at Levi. "They've taken him?"

Levi nodded wordlessly, his silver eyes glinting like frosted steel on a cold winter morn.

Erwin closed his eyes slightly, looking away for a moment, before he was taking a breath, taking the news into stride. He looked up, blue eyes serious. "All officers, report to my chambers. All other scouts, at attention, awaiting orders."

"Sir!" the room echoed with the resounding response, and everyone saluted. A pin could've been dropped in the silence that followed, the only noise the sound of the officer's boots against the stairs as they headed upstairs, intent on dreaming up some sort of plan.

* * *

The candlelight flickered off the walls as they sat around the dark wood table. Erwin took his customary place at the head of the table, Levi to his right, Hanji to his left.

"As you know, these past few days I've been absent. I wasn't called to the Capital on Ordinary Business- they were there to begin the official proceedings for the seizure and execution of Eren Jager."

"On what grounds, Sir?" Squad Leader Mike spoke up, eyes flashing dangerously as he heard the news.

Erwin sighed. " A few weeks ago, Gunther attacked Eren. He only meant it in good fun, people often surprise their squadmates by attacking them here- but Eren didn't know that. He panicked- he beat Gunther badly."

"I filed in incident report, as required." Erwin continued. "I attempted to use anonymous names, simply stating two scouts were fighting. I filed the report, and was summoned to the capital. They knew Eren had been involved. My point in saying this is- they have a man on the inside. Someone within our ranks is an informant to the Military Police."

Some looked surprised, while others looked angry. Some even paled, and Erwin plowed on.

"Eren will be standing trial for his actions before the high court in approximately a week. Every eye will be on him- due to his… abilities…. I doubt they'll be lenient on him."

"So we storm the prison and take him back." Levi said calmly. He would only be content with taking action.

Erwin raised his eyebrows. "And commit treason. Have the Scouting Legion's Charter revoked, and cause a massive manhunt..."

"Send my squad and my squad only!" Levi slammed his palms on the table, eyes aflame. "We'll go into hiding, somewhere remote, until things die down…. That kid is our last hope. He's too unstable to be in prison, if we don;t remove him immediately, he just might end himself…."

Erwin's eyes widened slightly at the news. "You really have that little faith in the boy? After all the time you've spent helping him?"

"He can deal with his emotions in a familiar environment! God only knows what they're doing to him now…." Levi looked away, eyes haunted.

Erwin pursed his lips, looking a bit upset at the news. "He'll have to manage, Levi. We'll be fighting for him the legal way, first- we have the witnesses on our side. Gunther can give testament that Eren wasn't intending to hurt him, he only reacted- Hanji's data from experiments will prove he's not inherently dangerous…."

"And if they decide to execute him anyways? Everyone within the walls will be shitting themselves, the wall cult is screaming for his execution- you seriously think that we can cause a not guilty verdict?"

Erwin looked unphased. "We'll certainly try to, Levi."

"And when they sentence him to death anyways?"

"Then we will send in your squad to retrieve him." Erwin nodded seriously. "In order to retain the Scouting Legion's Charter, we have to go along with the legal game- but we _cannot_ afford to lose Eren and his ability. However, if we _do_ have to have the Levi squad extract him, we'll have to declare you as acting on your own. You'll be declared terrorists, and we'll have to keep our involvement to a minimum so others believe you're a group of radicals and the legion can maintain their charter…."

Levi nodded. For Eren, it was a risk he was willing to take. He had no idea how, but the boy's company had managed to grow on him. He just hoped Eren had the fortitude to last out his time in prison without falling back into old habits.

* * *

His mouth was glued shut by his own lack of saliva, lips swollen with thirst when they finally stopped. He was starving, and he'd curled into himself, trying to quell the hunger pains but failing miserably. He was bruised and sore from being thrown around so much on the rough ride. He barely had the strength to lift his head and stare as there was the sound of horses hooves stomping and hurried voices.

His eyes couldn't keep up with the motion as he was seized by his chains and dragged across… cobblestone? It had to be cobblestone, the way it tore at his skin.

Curses were muttered as he was dragged away from the light of the breaking dawn, scraping down the stairs, before he was tossed into a dark cell with an earthen floor. It was musty and damp, and he could make out horrible insults being hurled at him around the ringing in his ears, before he fell into the bliss of oblivion.

* * *

Erwin nodded to his group of officers, eyes serious. "It's settled, then? We'll proceed-"

He was interrupted as the locked, oak door was kicked open and banged against the wall behind it, starting everyone. A black haired cadet- his eyes widened as he recognized her as Mikasa Ackerman, top of her graduating class- followed by a petite but angry looking blonde with flaming eyes and grit teeth wielding a kitchen knife that looked rather large in his small hands.

"I'm only going to ask this once- _where is Eren?"_


	16. Fighting Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren refuses to give in.

He woke up when the door of his cell was jerked open, the metal creaking.

"Damn him, does the monster even _need_ to eat?" someone was muttering.

Eren placed his hands on the earthen floor, lifting his head and blinking wearily, surveying the person bearlily.

The soldier- he recognized the MP's crest- froze when he saw the feared titan shifter was, in fact, awake and looking at him. He hurriedly dropped the tray he was carrying, scrambling outside the door and fumbling with his keys, struggling to lock the door.

His eyes were wide- Eren was surprised he could inspire such fear for a moment. Did the man honestly think he was going to attack him?

The man succeeded in getting the key into the keyhole, and with a metallic click, the door was sealed again.

"T-thank you." Eren croaked, voice barely audible due to the dryness in his throat.

The man stepped back, still surprised and fearful. Eren, still shackled as he was, dragged himself over to the tray, chains clanking as he grabbed the mug of water and took a sip.

"Thanks." he repeated, hoping the MP would hear him this time. The man nodded, looking a bit shell-shocked, before he was turning and fairly running away.

Eren was too preoccupied with the tray to really care for the moment.

He'd been given a hunk of hard bread and a mug of water. Considering how hungry he was, it was a feast, and he savored every sip of the water before he started tearing into the bread. He saved a few sips of water in the mug- as much as he wanted to drink it all now, he had a feeling he might not get more for awhile. Better to ration it until he was given more.

With his hunger and thirst fought back for the time being, he took stock of the situation he was in. He'd gotten over the shock of being taken- the hours he'd spent in the wagon had given him time to cry himself into exhaustion and nearly drown in self-loathing.

_Levi leaned against the desk, sighing as he thumbed through the journal, candlelight glowing on his face. Eren had had a particularly bad day- his journal had pages of horrible things written, and Levi thumbed through them idly._

" _Why do you do this to yourself?"_

" _I told you- I can't control it."_

" _No, you can't. But these thoughts- the self-loathing- you don't have to indulge them. you say that you got this way because people kept calling you a monster. Why do you believe everything they tell you?"_

" _I… I don't know. I guess I've just always been that way…."_

" _Well stop it. You take everything those morons say to heart, see it as truth- you start to believe it and you destroy yourself. Someday, you're going to realize that only the opinions of the people you care about matter. So why let the people who don't matter destroy you?" Levi queried, looking down at the boy, eyebrows raised._

_Eren grit his teeth, resting his head in his hands. "I… don't… know. I need a enemy, I need something to hate- I hate the titans, but they realized I was a shifter, after they called me a monster- I guess I started to hate myself instead."_

" _Don't hate yourself for being called monster. Hate the ones that call you that."_

Eren sat back, remembering one of the many conversations he'd had with Levi in the evening and smiling slightly.

He was anxious- ice water was running through his veins, and in all honesty, he had a feeling he was going to be executed soon. At least- that was what the people who thought him a monster were planning.

He looked at the mug he'd been given. It was ceramic, hewn of low-quality materials- he could probably shatter it and use the sharp pieces to cut himself.

But for once, he didn't have the desire to bleed. He couldn't find it within him to hate himself due to the words of others.

_What would Levi think, when he comes to get me, if he found I'd done that?_

There was a nagging voice in the back of his head, saying they'd never come, they didn't care for him- but he didn't let it drown out the voice of reason. He knew what it was- it was the voice of the people who hated him- he refused to allow their opinions to dictate his actions.

They were going to try and come up with an excuse to execute him, he was sure. If they found him hurting himself, they'd claim he was insane, and that his unstableness demanded he be destroyed. He wasn't going to give the bastards the ammunition.

Not to mention he didn't want to hurt himself. He didn't want to disappoint Levi, Mikasa and Armin. And it'd be plain stupid to do it here- he didn't have the materials to properly care for his wounds here, and it'd be pointless to die awaiting trial due to infected, self-inflicted wounds.

Still, he was on edge. He hated the prospect of simply sitting in the cell in the dark, musty underground air, unable to do anything. It made him anxious and fidgety, but he consoled himself quietly, refusing to give in.

the Scouting Legion would come for him soon, he had no doubt. If not because of Levi's insistence, because of his shifting abilities- but they were going to come for him. It was only a matter of when.

_I hope you get here soon._

* * *

Levi was silent as he sat beside Erwin in the wagon, simply staring at the road ahead of them. They were still two day's ride out from the Capital- Eren had likely already arrived, due to the King's outpost. Wagons were furnished with fresh horses at every outpost to allow swift, if not bumpy, travel.

"You seem tense." Erwin remarked idly, ice blue eyes surveying his friend quizzically.

"I'm responsible for the boy they plan on killing. Yes, I am tense." Levi retorted through grit teeth, snapping the reins, urging the horses faster.

"You're worried he'll kill himself."

"I'm worried what they'll drive him to. They want him dead- they were anything but kind to him last time."

Erwin nodded slowly, before he was clearing his throat. "I assume you've figured this out already, but this trial will be anything but fair. They have the scales tipped already- public fear and the wall cult screaming for his death, they'll do anything they can to skew this trial. You know there's a very small chance we'll be able to free him legally."

Levi's grip on the reins tightened along with his jaw, and he continued staring straight ahead. "I will bring him back by whatever means necessary."

BREAK

Hours passed. Eren realized with dull sadness that he probably wouldn't be given any more rations for the day. He stayed in the brightest back corner of the cell, studying the world outside the cell with bemused interest. It seemed like he was the only one being held here, which made sense, since they thought he was a threat.

He was certain it was night, despite the lack of light, as he began to grow drowsy. He was dozing in and out when he heard a door slamming in the distance.

He frowned, starting awake and blinking owlishly, wondering if the sound was simply his mind playing tricks on him.

Rowdy laughter sounded a moment later, assuring him it was not, infact, a figment of his imagination. He looked up, surprised. In the flickering torchlight, four figures of MPs, eyes glassy with drink and alight with the scent of prey, grinned down at him like a serpent staring at a small rodent.

"Here he is- the famed titan shifter!" he fumbled with his keys haplessly, grinning as Eren looked at him beneath his bangs, curious. His keys scraped the metal, but it took him several moments to summon up the coordination to open the lock. He smiled before striding into the cell, allowing the cell door to fall shut behind him, his equally buzzed friends behind him.

"Let's see if you're as tough as they say you are, freak."

Eren was already on his feet, falling into a shaky fighting stance- he might've been weak from poor treatment and hunger, but if these men were intent on beating him, he refused to take it lying down.

His fight right hook connected with the man's jaw, sending him stumbling, but they were on him like flies on a corpse. He held his own for a mere minute or two before finally slumping, shaking, unable to keep up the rigorous fight.

The man he'd hit originally laughed. Two of the bastards were on either arm, holding the weak boy up while one kept guard and the other began to beat the living shit out of him.

He couldn't breathe- his ribs were on fire, his head jerked backwards from the force of the blows, and he began to choke on his blood that dripped from his nose down his throat, hacking and sputtering.

It was all he could do the remain conscious as they rotated, taking turns hitting or holding him up.

Fear rushed through his body like adrenalin, but he'd hit exhaustion. Physically fighting was no longer an option- restrained, beaten, the only hope he had was to swallow his pride and beg. He let his eyes fall closed, the only sound the blows landing against his own flesh- he'd sooner die than beg.

_He'd felt every blow- with each increasingly more painful hit, he was dragged from his formerly defiant stance towards one of unconsciousness. As he gasped and choked from the force of every blow, blood dripping from his face as the blows continued to rain down, he felt fear blossom in his chest- genuine, primal fear- rattle him. Chained to a pole in the courtroom, the only option he had was to beg…. He stared up at the man, bloodied, beaten, green eyes still burning with defiance. The man could kill him if he wanted- but he would never beg._

Despite the pain he was in, Eren Jaeger gave a smile that doubled as a grimace. Levi had done worse than these bastards had, in that courtroom. That man who'd nearly knocked him out in front of everyone… the man who'd later become his best friend….

Laughter bubbled up in his throat, frantic, hacking laughter he choked out around mouthfuls of his own blood. Glassy eyes wide, he stared down the man who was currently pummeling him to a pulp, grinning all the while.

" _You...think...that… hurts?"_ he hacked out between gasps for air and laughter, crimson pouring from his mouth and dribbling down his chin. " _I've had worse done to me…. You won't break me…."_ more frantic laughter bubbled out, highlighting the words.

The man's eyes widened with both fear and surprise, before he handed one more solid blow that knocked Eren from the hands of his captors. He crumpled to the earthen floor- the MP who'd been beating him was backing towards the cell door, looking thoroughly unnerved. He mumbled something to his comrades, who were quickly following his lead, heading for the cell door….

The words were garbled static in his ears, unintelligible, like the crashing of ocean waves.

The lock clicked back into place as his cell door was closed. He realized he still hadn't stopped laughing when his already painful chest constricted, informing him that breathing was necessary.

He slumped over, battered but not conquered, catching his breath.

" _Is that… all you… bastards got?"_ he rasped out, grinning like a maniac. He had the trump card- he'd been through hell before. This was nothing compared to the torture his own mind had put him through.

That was his last thought before unconsciousness finally claimed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! I love any and all feedback! :)


	17. The Trial- Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trial begins, and the scouting legion struggles to present their case to a biased system.

Three days had passed. The nightly beatings by the drunken MP's continued. Each day his wounds healed more slowly as hope seemed to fade. He knew his friends were trying to reach him, but they were the government, after all. they had ways of hurting people, extorting them.

He could sense the change in pace when he opened his eyes that morning. His hunger pains had dulled enough to be ignored, and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

Even though he hadn't seen anyone, but the air was crackling with tension. He frowned, licking his parched lips. Had… had they finally arrived? Or were they just going to execute him without trial?

He wasn't really certain, but there were hushed voices before footsteps sounded. At least a dozen MPs stood outside his door, all looking anxious and staring down at him with made no move to stand up, instead blinking.

They didn't speak to him, instead unlocking the door of the cell. It swung open, metal screeching, before his hands were yanked behind his back and cuffed. He was hauled to his feet, the cold metal of a pistol being jammed into the small of his back.

"W...where are we going?" he rasped, uncertain.

"Move." was all that was growled at him. he stumbled forward on unsteady legs, being held steady by an MP on either side who held his forearms roughly. The clanking of metal as they walked informed him that nearly every other MP in the procession was pointing a firearm of some sort at him, like they didn't trust him.

"What's happening? Where are you talking me!?" he spoke louder this time, dry throat making his voice rasp.

The lead MP simply grunted, sweat beading on his brow. Eren wasn't sure if the man was afraid or annoyed by speaking, but he wanted answers.

Still, the sound of boots on the dirt and the clanking of his chains was the only response he got. the ground went from cool dirt to rough hard wooden steps beneath his bare feet, before a door was being kicked open, and he was thrust into the blinding brightness of the courtroom.

* * *

Mikasa's fist clenched from where she stood beside Levi, behind the banister partitioning the courtroom. Eren was escorted into the room by a dozen MPs- at least three muskets were trained on him, he was barefoot, clad in only his torn brown slacks and a sullied shirt that would've been white.

His face was pale, eyes dull, shadowy bruising adorning his cheekbone, more purple edging across his shoulder and disappearing below the collar of his shirt.

Eren blinked, struggling to adjust to the sudden brightness at being above ground. he was disoriented to begin with, and that fact wasn't helped when the MPs roughly shoved him to the floor and chained him to the pole in the center of the floor, yanking him up by his hair and securing his restraints before they were striding harshly off the floor, the echos of their fotofalls the only sound.

Eren was blinking rapidly still, looking around- his eyes landed on the Scouting legion, on Levi in particular, and he closed his eyes, relieved. Levi would fight tooth and nail for him. With Levi in his corner, he knew they'd pull out all the stops to try and protect him….

Levi was disturbed by the state Eren was in. the boy's face was thin, visible skin littered with bruises. It was apparent he'd been abused. but nearly more unnerving was the way Eren relaxed when he saw Levi in particular, the anxious posture leaving his body. Levi felt both honored and afraid that the boy trusted him so much, though really, he was afraid. If they lost this trial, he'd have failed to protect the boy like he'd promised….

The sound of a gavel hitting wood was sharp in the air, and the judge cleared his throat.

"I call this court to order. May the opening statements be read."

A suited man stepped forward, clearing his throat. "We call to trial today Eren Jager. Not only has the Scouting Legion violated the provisions of security in caring for him, but we have reason to believe Jager is inherently disturbed and must be destroyed. This is evidence by the incident report where the boy viciously beat a senior scout. We believe that, without contest, he must be executed."

Armin stepped forward, blue eyes practically glowing with determination as he pulled his own script of parchment from his pocket.

"We, the Scouting Legion, contest the provisions in which Eren was supposed to be kept in as inhumane. Furthermore, his classification as disturbed is contestable since, as shown in the incident report, he acted only in self-defense. Finally, we call upon the high court to realize that it is not only illogical, but a blatant mistruth to call Eren disturbed when he has volunteered to give his life for humanity's cause. That commitment alone is far more than his condemners have ever done for humanity's sake." Armin was shaking with anger and determination by the time he was done speaking, staring down the prosecution.

The suited man looked across the floor, slightly shocked that the small blonde could speak so eloquently.

The judge lowered his spectacles down the bridge of his nose, staring at Armin in shock for a moment, before he turned to look at the prosecutor.

"Your evidence?"

"We call the victim of this crime, Gunther Schultz, to the stand."

"Gunther?" Eren's voice was barely above a raspy whisper, but he looked shocked as Gunther made his way to the stand. His surprise was obvious.

"Objection!" Armin's voice rang through the courtroom with startling venom, and even Gunther stopped walking, looking alarmed.

"The fourth article of the king's charter clearly states the accused must be informed of the charge against them! Was Eren ever informed as to what he was accused of?"

"The boy knows what he's done." the prosecutor sneered. "He was informed by the MPs who apprehended him…."

"You mean the MPs who seized him in the middle of the night?" Armin was seething. "He has to be clearly informed, a passing mention alluding to the charges while he's being arrested doesn't qualify…."

"I believe our good MPs were more worried about the fact he was sleeping in the room with his superior officer than reading him his rights, soldier." the man sneered, white teeth leering at them.

"That's absolutely no excuse to deny him due process!"

But the damage was done. The crowd watching was gasping, looking scandalized, and Levi wordlessly stepped forward, staring the prosecution down.

"I have been working with Eren for weeks. He's only dangerous to himself, and the conditions in the dungeon were inhumane. It floods and molds down there, not to mention the temperature is only fit for a corpse. You really thought I'd make him stay there and risk the health of humanity's hope?"

"That's irrelevant, I'm afraid. It clearly states within the provisions of the agreement between the royal court and the scouting legion that Eren must be in restraints at night…."

"Ah, I see. It's a one-way game, then. You can deny Eren his rights because you feel like it, but I can't act in the boy's best interest. Apparently only the scouting legion is subject to the law." Levi sneered, glaring across at the prosecution. "Or am I wrong?"

The prosecutor was furiously rearranging papers, refusing to acknowledge Levi's statement. "The prosecution calls Gunther Shultz to the stand."

Gunther wordlessly trudged up to the chair in the middle of the room and sat, but not before giving a concerned and apologetic look at Eren, who simply nodded.

The prosecution began with a barrage of questions.

"Mr. Schultz, was it true you suffered a broken nose, bruised ribs, were knocked unconscious, and kept off duty for three days as a result of injuries inflicted on you by Jager?"

"Yes. But-"

"Mr. Schultz, is it true that Jager fled the scene after you were unconscious?"

"Yes. He was shaken up, though-"

"Did he ever attempt to get you help, or did he simply leave you lying in the dirt?"

"He fled the situation because he was scared-"

"Mr. Schultz- did he or did he not leave you lying in the dirt, unconscious?"

"He left me. He had good reason to, though-"

"That will be all, Mr. Schultz." the prosecutor glared at him.

Gunther stood, looking frustrated. "You aren't letting me tell the whole story, dammit!"

"We've heard all we need to. You may take your seat, Mr. Schultz."

Gunther stared at the man, eyes blazing, hands clenched into fists.

"You can stay there, Gunther. We have a few questions to ask him yourself." Erwin had stepped forward, cool demeanor and silver blue eyes bleeding the tension out of the situation.

"Gunther- would you mind recounting the story to the best of your ability?" Erwin inquired.

Gunther nodded, sitting back in his chair.

"The Scouting Legion is a rough place. We have traditions- a lot of times we'll sneak up on people and wrestle with them, just for fun, it builds camaraderie and such. I figured I'd try it with Eren, a sort of baptism by fire- he was our rookie, afterall. So while we were walking by each other in the courtyard, I turned around and put my hands around his throat. I wasn't choking him, I just meant it to be a wrestling match. I don't remember what he did to me- I was just on the ground. I saw his face, though, his eyes- he was terrified. His eyes were glassy, he was panicked- I tried to say something, but then I blacked out. If I'd realized how much my attack would've scared him, I never would've done it. He was really shaken up, so he ran… he was just scared, he didn't know what to do…. If anything, he acted in self defense. He thought I was gonna hurt him-"

"Objection, your honor. His testimony is bias- he's twisting things because he knows the Jager boy…."

"Yeah, well I object to you!" gunther fumed, glaring at the prosecutor, eyes blazing.

"On what grounds, Mr. Schultz?"

"On the grounds that he's an asshole! He's taking everything I say out of context!" Gunther was nearly shouting, now, and the prosecutor, in his purple robe and white ruffled collar, looked shocked at such blunt language.

"Mr. Schultz, I will have you removed for contempt of court!" the judge was banging the gavel now, looking affronted.

Gunther pursed his lips into a firm line, falling silent. "Return to the bench, Mr. Schultz." Gunther huffed, walking back over to stand with the scouting legion.

"Is that all the evidence, then?" the judge looked a bit on edge.

Levi stepped forward, raising his hand. "Following the incident with Gunther, I took it upon myself to work with Eren individually. We worked through much of his impulsiveness- everyone on this squad will vouch that he's our greatest asset."

"It's invalid, your honor. They've all bonded with the boy." the prosecutor was quickly protesting.

Levi glowered, but it did nothing to silence the prosecutor, who barreled onward. "And even if what Mr. Schultz says is true, if he really did trigger some sort of panic within the boy- it means he's unstable. A person with his abilities and such a fragile disposition can't be allowed to live."

"I'd argue the exact opposite, your honor! It's Eren's emotion, the fact that he was raised as a person and treated like one, that keeps him from being a dangerous titan. It's his impulsiveness, his emotion, and his ability to make split-second decisions while in titan form that makes him humanity's hope!" Armin's voice dripped with seriousness as he glared at the prosecutor, the paper script he'd written for himself forgotten, instead being strangled by his white-knuckle grip.

The judge looked from one party to another over the rims of his glasses, papers still in hand.

"Have both parties concluded their argument?" he was affirmed by silence, and he continued. "I will prepare to rule…."

"Wait." a hoarse voice spoke, and everyone looked up to see Eren sagging against the pole, sitting on his knees, looking at the judge with surprisingly clear eyes. "Don't I get to say something? It's my trial, afterall."

The judge blinked, surprised, for a moment, before he nodded. "You may speak, boy. But if you begin to get excited, we'll shoot you on this very floor."

Eren nodded, pink tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips before he began speaking.

"If I were so out of control, don't you think I would've transformed and killed those MPs who came to my cell and beat me every night?"

The judge fell silent, suddenly finding the floor very interesting.

"I mean, you must see me now. I'm covered in bruises and scratches- they beat me every night. I hated them for it, and I still do- but I haven't retaliated. I didn't transform. And I won't transform now, either. But if I were such a monster, don't you think I'd have blindly retaliated?"

Still, the judge said nothing. The entire courtroom was silent.

"Don't pretend you can't see it!" Eren spoke up, eyes glistening with emotion. "I'm covered in bruises! Don't lower your eyes, don't look away- if you're going to kill me, the least you can do is look me in the eyes!"

"ENOUGH!" the judge roared, and the sound of muskets cocking filled the room as MPs pointed their guns at him.

"No! I'll say it all! I'm human, you can see it in my face, on my eyes, you know it! But you just keep looking the other way because you don't want to have my death on your conscience! Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm a monster! Go ahead and lie to my face! But you can't deny these bruises, you can't explain this away- I'm HUMAN, DAMMIT!"

The entire courtroom fell silent.

Eren still knelt, chest heaving, exhausted by such passionate speech.

Erwin nudged Levi forward. "Go. Take off his shirt. Show them the bruises."

Levi was already jumping over the rail, walking across the platform before crouching before Eren. Eren looked up at him, green eyes dull and tired. Levi looked at the boy sadly, seeing just how painful the bruise on his face looked, as he moved to undo the buttons to his shirt.

Eren awkwardly moved his shoulders so the shirt fell back completely, revealing a torso marred with bruises- some fading yellow, others recently blossoming purple with outlines of red- the flesh was mottled and horrible looking, and Levi ached just looking at it.

The court was silent- women held handkerchiefs up to their mouth and looked away, tearing up at the sight of the abuse, while children hid their faces in their mother's skirts, and men looked at the floor, ashamed.

"Are you surprised?" Levi asked, addressing the crowd before reciting the information he'd learned about Eren Jager a long time ago. "He bruises like us, bleeds like us, hurts like us, feels like us- Eren Jager is human. He's the most human person I've ever met."

Still, Levi's words were met with an uncertain silence, before the Judge spoke. "I've prepared my ruling."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment your thoughts! I love each and every comment! :)


	18. The Trial Part 2; Protesting the Verdict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of corruption, Levi makes a power play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so, so much for rhe constant support and feedback! :)

The Judge refused to look up from his desk as he shuffled papers, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"Eren Jager is to be executed at dawn tomorrow."

There was a collective gasp from the crowd, and some of the children began to cry, while the women looked away.

Levi stared, chest heaving. In the silence that followed he pulled off his jacket, throwing it to the floor and stepping on it with his booted foot. He glared up at the judge, silver eyes burning with hatred. "I hereby resign from the Scouting Legion and Military operations altogether."

The silence errupted into frantic exclaimations, and the judge banged his gavel rapidly to quiet everyone before he was staring down at Levi, shocked at the man's audacity.

"You cannot simply resign from the Legion! You're humanity's greatest soldier-"

"I can, and I _will_."

The judge's eyes burned, nostrils flaring. "I will _order_ you to serve..."

"And I will jump into the mouth of the first titan I see! What good will I do you when I'm dead!?" Levi was shouting, now, his chest rattling with the force of his emotion.

The judge's eyes widened in surprise, and he quickly changed tatics. "You'd forsake humanity because of one boy!? You'd sentence every one of us in this room- the women and children- to death, because of your refusal to fight!? All because of one soldier!?"

Levi glared daggers at the man. His voice took on a shockingly cold tone as he spoke.

"I'd argue, Sir, that such a bigoted, _blinded_ race of creatures such as yourself doesn't deserve to live."

"I'll have you executed for treason!" the judge roared.

Levi laughed. It was a cold, calculated laugh, and everyone in the courtroom seemed to freeze when they heard it.

Levi looked up at the judge, grinning. He knew he had the man in checkmate, now. "Go ahead, execute me. Hang me next to Eren Jager. But I will not serve a race of people that cannot accept my soldier as human."

Erwin and Armin exchanged shocked glances, smiling slightly. Levi had gotten them the most power they'd had all day- his fighting skills and military service being used as a bargaining tool, they just might win this case.

Erwin raised his hand. "I have a proposal, your honor!"

"Speak, Erwin." the judge looked relieved at the thought of having another option on the table. In this verbal duel, Levi had him backed into a corner.

"What if we allowed Eren to demonstrate his control in titan form? Outside the walls, in an open field, we'd allow him to prove his worth to humanity."

The judge looked up, wide eyed. "A titan? Within the walls? And if he looses control?"

"Levi will cut him down where he stands, then. Eren will be dead and Levi will return to military service." Erwin spoke calmly. "But if Eren maintains control and proves his worth to humanity before you all, then the Scouting Legion gains exclusive custody of him- and you give up the right to ever question his humanity and try him for his life." Erwin finished, looking up at the judge. "Sound fair?"

The judge nodded eagerly. In his eyes, Eren would most certainly lose control and be killed, and they'd keep humanity's greatest soldier in service.

"Levi- do you agree?"

Levi's eyes widened slightly at the proposition, but he nodded.

Erwin smiled. "It's settled, then. We'll reconvene in the public grazing lands just outside wall Sina."

"Court is adjourned."

* * *

"What if I can't do it!? This is insane!" Eren looked thouroughly panicked as he sat in the back of a wagon alongside Erwin, Hanji and Levi.

"It was our only chance of getting you out of there alive." Levi said simply.

Eren turned his gaze on his friend, then, looking thoroughly upset. "And you- threatening to resign!? What is wrong with you!?"

Erwin raised his eyebrows at the exchange, and Levi sighed. While he didn't mind talking to Eren as a friend when they were alone, it was a bit embarrassing to have him do it in front of his other friends. Yes, he had indeed made friends with the fifteen year old titan shifter.

"I was saving your life, brat. It was a bluff." Levi supplied tersely.

"Really? You seemed to passionate about it." Eren looked surprised. He was completely oblivious to the fact that Levi had in fact been dead serious. If Eren was executed, he would stop fighting for humanity.

"Enough of the mushy stuff- we'll have time for that later!" Hanji slammed papers down on the bed of the wagon, nodding to Eren. "We'll be at the wall soon. All you have to do is maintain control while transformed..."

Eren's eyes widened. "I don't even know if I can transform..."

"Don't talk like that, dammit!" Levi snapped.

"I don't know if I can do it, alright!?" Eren snapped right back, tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. "I'm pretty beat up, and I don't have a clear goal in mind! I can't just do it whenever I want!"

"Your goal is to stay in control while in titan form, Eren! That's it! That's your goal!" Hanji yelled right back. They were approaching the field, now, the large open space was coming into view.

"Levi can't help you now! He'll be standing guard with his blades out in case you lose control. You have to do this yourself- you just have to transform, Eren! We didn't come this far to lose you to these bastards!" Hanji shouted.

The wagon was slowing down, now, they didn't have much time left.

"I don't know if I can!" Eren cried. Tears were openly leaking down his face, now, and he looked beyond terrified. He looked at Levi desperately.

"I can't do this for you, Eren. If I could I would, but I can't, and I'm sorry." Levi stared at the wagon bed desolately.

MPs were already coming over tot he wagons, pulling Eren out into the field.

"Levi!"

"Be strong, Eren!"

The hour had come.

Eren stood in the field, shaking, alone. Wall Sina was to his back, Scouting Legion soldiers sitting atop it to fight him, should he lose control. Thirty meters forward stood Levi, blades out, watching him anxiously.

another twenty meters back stood the military officers and the judge, and even further back the citizens, all watching with bated breath.

He could do this. Eren took a deep breath. Maintain control. was all he thought, before he sank his teeth into his hand. He tasted warm blood and a flash of pain as his teeth tore at his flesh, but nothing happened. He was still standing there, in human form.

Eren squeezed his eyes shut. _This isn't happening, this isn't happening..._

He opened his eyes. Everyone was still standing there, still waiting anxiously, and he was still human. He sank his teeth into his hand again, his pained cry muffled by his mouthful of flesh...

Still, he was human. Nothing was happening.

He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling himself begin to shake. _"Oh god... no..."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment any emotion or thoughts this chapter invoked, or if you just want to chat or whatever- I love any and all feedback! :)


	19. Tamed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This can be read as simple friendship between Eren and Levi or as Ereri, but nothing gets explicit or romantic in anyway, since I wanted this story to be enjoyable for those who ship it and those who don't.

"Please work..." he whispered, before he sank his teeth into his hand. Again, there was nothing...

He sank to his knees, desperate.

It was over.

Levi's eyes widened from where he stood. Was Eren... giving up? No, he couldn't be...

Farther back in the line, the MPs were beginning to speak.

"What's he doing?"

"He's just... kneeling there..."

"What is he doing, Erwin?" the judge asked demurely, looking unamused at the scene before him.

"It takes him a few minutes before he can transform sometimes." Hanji lied seamlessly, covering for the boy.

"Ah." the judge nodded, and Hanji and Erwin exchanged concerned glances. This wasn't good.

Atop the wall, the Levi squad looked down at the scene before them dispairingly.

"Oh Eren..." Petra whispered, amber eyes full of emotion as she looked down at the boy sadly.

"He's gotta get it together." Eld said seriously, looking concernedly at the situation below him.

"C'mon, greenhorn." Auruo muttered, though his eyes showed every bit of concern he didn't verbalize.

"This is my fault, you know." everyone looked over at Gunther, surprised by the soldier's serious omission. "If I hadn't attacked him, he wouldn't be here right now." he looked down at Eren sadly, feeling guilt well up within him.

"You didn't know he'd react the way he did, Gunther. No one did." Petra tried to soothe him.

"Yeah, well a fat lot of good that does Eren. It can't end this way... it just can't."

"Yeah, well if Eren can't get his ass to transform, it's going to." Auruo said morosely. "i mean, the kid transformed for a spoon, but he can't now."

Gunther's eyes widened. "That's it."

"What's it? He needs a spoon?" Auruo said, not understaneding.

Gunther shook his head rapidly, eyes widening at the realization. "Hanji said he needs a clear goal..."

"He has one, doesn't he? Stay in control while he's transformed." Petra clearly wasn't following him either.

Gunther shook his head. "It's not specific enough for him to transform."

"So what do we do to fix that!?" Eld demanded anxiously.

"We give him a clear goal."

"How are we supposed to do that!?" Auruo demanded.

"Like this. _Help!_ " Gunther stumbled, before he was plunging forward, off the wall.

"Gunther!" Petra yeled out in surprise, about to dive off after him and engage her 3DMG, but she was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. She turned, panicked, to see Eld watching the situation cryptically. "Wait."

Gasps of horror rose up from the crowd as they watched the soldier plummet. Cries of, "he's fallen off the wall" and mothers covering their children's eyes abounded.

Levi himself went to charge forward, but hesitated for a split second...

Eren looked up from where he knelt, surprised.

Gunther- save Gunther- He didn't register the pain of his teeth sinking into his already gnarled hand. A flash of yellow lightening split the air, and the smoke cleared to reveal a Eren's titan, large as ever, with something clutched in his hands.

There was dead silence for a moment, before one large hand moved off from over top, revealing Gunther from where he crouched in the palm of Eren's lower hand.

"Eren- holy shit, you actually did it!" Gunther exclaimed, looking shocked.

Armin's face split into a grin, and even Mikasa let out a relieved sigh...

"He's going to eat that soldier!"

"Do something, Captain Levi!" the frantic outpouring of the crowd came as a shock to both the Scouting Legion and Eren. Still, Eren's titan was more pre-occupied with making sure Gunther was alright than dealing with them.

Large, black-rimmed green irises scrutinized Gunther as his face moved closer to the man, steam escaping his nostrils with each exhale.

"Eren? You all there, kid?" Gunther asked, not hesitant, but wondering.

At hearing the other soldier's voice, Eren's mouth opened, a small, rather quiet roar of glee escaping him at the fact Gunther was, indeed, okay.

Gunther started slightly at the noise before he burst out laughing. "Yes, it's me, you little shit."

"W-why isn't he eating him?" someone in the crowd below questioned.

"Eren doesn't eat humans. He never has- never will. He only kills titans." Levi supplied, eyes never leaving his best friend and soldier as he held his squadmate in the palm of his hand.

"Everyone shut the hell up! He's trying to communicate with us! You hear that roar- it was muted- he kept it quiet! He could've deafened us all if he'd wanted to!" Hanji exclaimed, the sunlight glinting off her glasses as her eyes began to shine. "Oh, this is fascinating!" she squealed, pulling a notebook from her pocket and beginning to write furiously.

"So, uh... can you put me back on the wall?I think we've got our point across. You can understand me, right?" Gunther asked.

In response, Eren let out a breath and moved his hand. The sudden movement made Gunther lose his footing and land on his ass in Eren's palm with a muffled 'shit', but he was deposited, rather clumsily but with care, atop the wall by the large hand.

Eren turned to look at the crowd of people below him- they looked like ants, so tiny... But he recognized some of them. Levi, Mikasa, Armin... all his friends. Standing there, rooting for him, fighting for him.

 _"Eren!"_ Levi's shout sounded so small when it reached his pointed ears, but Eren slowly crouched, bringing one massive knee onto the ground, then the next, so he was kneeling in the dirt, before he was placing down both forearms. He looked down at Captain Levi, on all fours, bangs messily falling into his face. His eyes appeared so large next to the Captain, his nose directly in front of the man as he stared, obediently awaiting orders.

Levi wordlessly grabbed onto a lock of brown hair, climbing onto the boy's head and looking down, addressing the crowd, blade drawn.

"As you can see, Eren is in complete control. He can't really vocalize anything but rage in this form, but he's still very much human."

Levi looked down at the large titan beneath him, speaking clearly. "Face to the ground. I'm going to cut you out."

He strode down the back of the meaty neck beneath his boots as Eren pressed his cheek to the dirt, lying still, belly to the ground.

Whispers erupted from the crowd. "He's the strongest soldier there is-"

"He's tamed a titan!"

Levi plunged his blade into the flesh, raking it downwards in a shallow, straight cut. Steam erupted from the wound as it began to to attempt to heal, but Levi was already slashing, calculated strokes widening the wound, revealing Eren's body, wrapped in muscle and sinew.

Still, Levi didn't want to have to cut off the boy's limbs unless necessary, and he continued his calculated work, ignoring the fact that he was up to his shins in titan flesh. When he felt he'd severed enough of the muscles holding him, he grabbed Eren by the back of his shirt collar, hoisting him out and slinging him over his shoulder.

Eren was either unconscious or very near it- it was concerned, but not really a surprise, considering the strain transforming put on his body, and his already weak physical condition.

He hung limply over Levi's shoulder, some stray sinew dangling from his wrists that had yet to burn away, his clothing steaming.

"I believe we've met the proposed conditions, have we not?" Levi asked Erwin, cocking an eyebrow.

"We absolutely have, Levi."

Levi smirked. "All units- withdraw."

The only sound was that of boots on dirt as scouts trooped back to the caravaan of wagons and horses. Levi said nothing, simply stepping into the officer's carriage and placing Eren in one of the seats. The boy promptly slumped over, unconcious as he was, and Levi slammed the door of the carriage behind him, Banging on the side of the contraption to let the driver know they were ready to go.

Levi's upper lip curled in disgust when he looked over and saw Jager was still steaming, covered in his titan fluids and sinew- he was rather filthy, hair matted with sweat. Levi would set about getting him cleaned up and seeing to his bruises once they reached the castle.

As the carriage started to move, he couldn't help but wonder at the words of the civilians.

_"He's truly humanity's strongest soldier."_

_"He's tamed a titan!"_

He shook his head slightly at the ignorance behind those words. Even after they'd seen it, they still couldn't believe Eren was human. They'd been so misinformed they had to believe Levi had tamed a monster, instead of Eren being a sentient, feeling human like them. It was both unsettling and scary to know the masses thought in such simple, unforgiving terms.

Still- they'd warded them off. By believing Levi had tamed the boy, they'd allow Eren to remain in their custody- and by seeing the control Eren actually had in titan form, though limited, it'd starved off their hysteria. It was far from the acceptance Levi had hoped to receive from the common people, but it was a start. Eren was safe- right now, that was all that mattered.

Levi looked over at the cadet he'd come to know as a friend- as someone he often chatted with until the candle burned down in the night. The companionship he'd never expected, but surprisingly enjoyed. The kid he thought he'd be babysitting, who'd inadvertently become his most treasured companion. His face softened slightly. He'd never let anyone into his heart like he had Eren- the boy seemed to have a way of picking the locks to all the doors, breaking down every one of his barriers. He hadn't had a friend like that since Isabel and Farlan had died.

_"He's tamed a titan!"_

Levi wasn't aware of the small smirk that crossed his face, but he had a thought so ironic it was nearly comical.

_The titan's tamed me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So did you guys like it? And did you read it as Eren and Levi friendship, or Ereri. Please tell me in the comments! I love any and all feedback! :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the sudden halt in updates, folks! Nursing school just started for me, and so things have been a bit busy adjusting to the new schedule. Hope you enjoy the chapter! :)

The carriage jolted slightly as it hit a rather rough bump, and Levi winced slightly, shifting into a slightly more comfortable position. On the bench across from him, his travel companion showed no sign of moving. Eren was sprawled out on the bench, eyes still closed, dead to the world.

Levi frowned slightly- while he knew it was normal for Eren to sleep for long period of time after transforming, it still bothered him. It was maddening to see the normally fiery boy being so still.

Sue to fresh horses being supplied by the government every couple hours and amiable weather conditions, they were near the castle. It'd been nearly 24 hours of straight riding, but Levi didn't mind, resting his chin in his hand and re-crossing his leg over his knee.

"Eren?" he spoke quietly, not expecting to be heard over the jumping of the carriage wheels.

Eren's eyes moved beneath his eyelids, his face twitched- before he was still again.

Levi smirked slightly at the response, amused the boy was even cognizant enough to recognize he was being spoken to- before he turned, peering out the window idly. It was dark- they were well past dusk, now, it was probably edging into the wee hours of the morning.

On the horizon, he could see the grey light of dawn beginning to break, the slight hue of pink bleeding into the veins of the sky, the orange sparks, the whole grey sky a powder keg waiting to ignite.

A new day was beginning.

* * *

The carriage came to a halt just outside the castle, and Levi jumped down into the dirt. Though his expression never changed, he was relieved to be back- it was far nicer to be in familiar surroundings where he could stretch his legs than inside the rattling box that was a carriage.

Erwin nodded to Levi quietly, stepping down from his own carriage behind them. Hanji fairly burst out of the door behind him, eyes wide beneath her glasses.

"Is he still sleeping!? Is he responding to stimuli!?"

"He's still out cold." Levi replied simply, nodding to some cadets who'd been selected to ride along with them. He opened his mouth, about to order then to carry Eren upstairs, but promptly shut it when he had the mental image of the clumsy brutes dropping him on the stone floor. He sighed- while Eren didn't know it, he really was quite high maintenance. Levi didn't trust just anyone with the brat's safety, and he climbed back into the carriage, messily slinging the boy's body over his shoulder before he was jumping back down, careful not to fall over, since he was now top-heavy.

He ignored Erwin's amused expression- he'd just gotten Eren back, and he wasn't going to let any rookies manhandle him. Not after what he'd been through these past few days.

"I'm taking him upstairs." he supplied simply, daring anyone to question him. Erwin simply nodded, eyes twinkling, before Levi was shuffling off, Eren's limp body still draped over his shoulder.

Erwin watched him do under the pink light of the dawning sky, grinning.

"Do you think he'd let me conduct some small tests on him while he's unconscious?" Hanji asked hopefully, holding a small imaginary space between two fingers to indicate just how tiny the tests would be.

Erwin chuckled, shaking his head at the scientist. "Not a chance."

* * *

Levi had continued upstairs with Eren- annoyed by the fact that Eren was still limp with every motion. He paused at the top of the stairs, considering. He wanted to take Eren to his room- the boy was accustomed to it, anyways- but that might cause people to ask questions. In addition, Eren had looked awful in the courtroom, and he wanted him to undergo an extensive physical to make sure they hadn't missed any injuries.

With that in mind he turned, ducking into the infirmary and depositing the lanky body on the bed.

He'd let Eren rest in his room later if he desired it- after all, the boy did sleep there.

He sighed, moving to wipe some filth from the boy's face.

It was finally over- they wouldn't be able to try and take him from the Legion again. Sunlight edged cautiously through the window, illuminating the room and a few idle specks of dust lingering in the air. Levi frowned out of habit.

"You'll be cleaning this infirmary from top to bottom once you can stand on your own, you brat." he spoke to no one in particular. Still, his mouth twitched slightly as he tried to hide a smile.

* * *

The wagon containing the other troops hadn't been furnished with fresh horses like the officer's, and it was a full day later when they arrived.

Most jumped down from the wagons enthusiastically, stretching and working out the kinks and knots from their joints that were caused by the bumpy ride.

There was one, however, who hit the ground running, ignoring all the pleasantries and explanations.

"Mikasa, wait!" Armin called out, but she was already gone, having disappeared into the castle, a flash of red fabric Armin's last glimpse of her.

She could only hear the pounding of her own heart as she raced up the stairway. Eren had been in bad shape in the courtroom, and the last time she'd seen him had been when he was being carried away. She just needed to see him- to make sure he was alright- then she'd go back to help the other cadets with unhitching the horses and tending them.

She could hear voices in the hallways, but she drown them out unintentionally- there was only one thing on her mind right now.

She burst through the doorway of the infirmary, cheeks red, panting slightly.

Eren looked over from where he'd been apparently focused on something, surprised, before he gave her a weary smile. "Oh hey, Mikasa."

They locked eyes for a brief second- she scanned every inch of his face. He looked pale and tired, but alright- he was awake and speaking, at least. She noted the yellowing bruises on his face, but he was conscious, and he was smiling.

Mikasa stepped into the room, about to race in and hug him, when she realized he wasn't alone in the room. She hadn't been able to see him from the doorway, but Levi was settled in a chair against the wall, various paperwork in his lap, pen in his hand. He looked surprised to see her here, but nodded to her neutrally, turning back to his paperwork, pen dancing across the page.

Mikasa stepped forward, returning her focus back to Eren. "How do you feel?"

Eren shrugged non-comitally, humming. "I'm feeling pretty good..."

Levi glanced up for his paperwork, and Eren knew the Captain was listening intently to his answer, as well.

She stepped forward, reaching out to trace a concerned hand over his jawbone, tilting his face up so she could see his face. She frowned. "You're still bruised..."

Eren batted her hand away. "I'm fine, Mikasa. Quit hovering already. I mean you just got here."

"Have you been resting?"

"I've got _plenty_ of rest. I'm tired of sleeping, anyways, I was just talking to Captain Levi..."

Eren looked over at Captain Levi, smiling slightly. Mikasa realized that they'd been talking, they'd been the voices she'd heard out in the hallway. Levi didn't look up, and Mikasa glowered over at him slightly. Eren should've been resting, not being distracted by the Captain.

"You should be resting."

"You should be helping unhitch the horses with all the others." Eren retorted. He sighed at the hurt look that crossed Mikasa's face. "Sorry. I'll sleep when I'm tired, okay? I'm _fine,_ really- Captain Levi has been watching over me." Eren nodded towards his superior, hoping to reassure his sister.

Mikasa nodded slowly, heading towards the door. She cast a worried glance over her shoulder at Eren- she'd come back again to check on him around dinnertime, she decided. As she strode down the hallway, she heard their voices again. Though she couldn't make out exactly what was being said, she stopped, surprised, when she recognized Eren's laughter...

Maybe Captain Levi wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

The next morning dawned early- a warm breeze rustled the grass in the yard.

"Armin! Mikasa!"

The blonde and raven loked up, surpried, to see Eren dressed in his usual brown slacks and green shirt, running over to them. Eren bent over, panting slightly, once he reached them.

"How're you feeling, Eren?" Armin asked, smiling.

Eren grinned, straightening up. "Great." a sweet-smelling breeze rustled the trees, and the three exchanged glances, Mikasa's hair whipping around slightly in the breeze.

"Captain Levi hasn't put you back on duty yet, has he? It's so soon after your transformation, you're still regaining your strength..."

Eren waved a hand, looking unconcerned. "Yeah yeah I know. I'm not back on duty yet- tomorrow, maybe. But they finally let me out of the infirmary. I couldn't stand to stay in that bed any longer." he grinned, looking outside. It was a beautiful day.

"Wanna sneak out and go for a ride? You guys don't have training until later, so..."

Armin frowned. "We need to have a pass written by an officer to take our horses..."

Eren laughed, rolling his eyes. "Not if we don't get caught, we don't." while he was still pale, he had that spark back in his green eyes.

Armin loked hesitant, but Mikasa nodded, stepping forward. "Where you go, I go."

"Great. You in, Armin? It'd be a crime to waste such a beautiful day. Besides, we aren't hurting anybody..." Eren looked so hopeful, Armin sighed.

"Alright But we'll have to sneak around the back of the stables, and if we get caught, it isn't me fault."

Les than twenty minutes later, three horses were stampeding through the yard towards the forest. The three had had to abandon their goal of stealth after they'd run into Jean just as they were leading their horses out of the stables, and Eren whooped triumphantly, kicking his horse into a faster gallop and grinning.

"C'mon, guys! We can totally make the forest without getting caught!"

"What the hell are you three doing!? You know you can't take your horses without a pass!" Jean yelled behind them, but his words fell on deaf ears as the three galloped off into the forest, intent on riding for as long as possible. "Idiots." Jean growled, frustrated.

Captain Levi watched from his office window, amused by the trio's antics. Everything was as it should be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! I love every bit of feedback you guys give me! :)


	21. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more Eren/Levi friendship interaction here. Eren questions whether Levi should let him sleep in his room, since people have begun to gossip. Levi is an awesome friend and reassures Eren. This is just edgy enough it can satisfy all you Ereri shippers, but can also be seen as two close friends joking, so as not to annoy or disgust those who don't like Ereri.
> 
> Read it as whatever you want it to be- I, as an author, made it that way for a reason! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright- first off, I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the Earth for a little while. Nursing school has gotten pretty intense, but I didn't forget about you guys! Hope you enjoy this chapter, even though it;s a bit short! :)

"I could go back to the dungeons, you know. Really- I don't want to burden you." Eren spoke up one evening as he perched hesitantly on his cot, at the foot of Levi's bed.

Levi frowned. What was this? Eren had just been cleared to sleep outside the infirmary, they'd only returned to the castle two days ago…. He'd thought Eren would be happy to be back in his cot at the foot of Levi's bed, glad to be back to normalcy….

Levi said nothing, frowning for a brief second and running through the events of the past week in his mind. There had to be something making Eren say this….

Levi blinked, surprised, when the answer came to him. In the courtroom- the accusations of them finding Eren asleep in Levi's bedroom, accommodated in a small cot at the foot of the bed.

Levi felt his cheeks grow warm, and had to consciously fight not to blush.

Eren sighed, staring at the ground, his hands in his lap. He blushed slightly, "I mean, your reputation and everything…."

Levi shrugged. "So? What about my reputation?" he wasn't going to feed into Eren's insecurities by acknowledging them.

Eren sighed, looking sufficiently embarrassed, now. "The MP's, Levi- in court. They brought up how we share the same room. They implied that we were… well… scandalous. Aren't you afraid about how it's going to affect your career?"

Levi sat up, tugging the sheets into a slightly more comfortable position. He started to twist the bedsheet in his hands deviously. He grinned, leaning forward. "Are you implying you want me to be scandalous with you, Eren?"

"N-no!" Eren stuttered, flushing even redder. "T-that's not what I'm saying, Levi, and you know it!"

Levi smirked slightly- it was fun to mess with Eren. Eren was probably the only one he trusted in confidence, the one he'd choose to spend time with outside of what his duty required.

Levi sighed, looking thoroughly amused. "Calm down, Eren. I'm fully aware you aren't propositioning me." He smirked slightly at the idea, and Eren squirmed, looking uncomfortable.

"So… should I go back to the dungeons?" Eren asked quietly, peering up at him. "I mean- I'm not going to hurt myself or anything. I've been doing really good, so you aren't really obligated to let me stay here, and it looks… bad. People are starting rumors, and I don't want to make your life any harder."

Levi shrugged, lying back. "That depends. Do you want to go back to the dungeons?" he didn't want to keep Eren quartered in his room if the boy didn't want it.

Eren hesitated for a moment, choosing his words carefully before he spoke. "N-not really." He admitted. "But I will. I don't want your reputation to suffer because of me."

Levi nodded for a moment, taking everything Eren had said into account before he spoke. "Stay."

"Huh?" Eren looked surprised.

"Stay. I value your company- and I won't allow a friend to sleep in the dungeon. My reputation doesn't matter, anyways- the brass can whisper all they want about us, but the fact of the matter is, they need me for the war effort. Who I may or may not be sleeping with is irrelevant, considering my skill in battle. I don't really care what they think of our little sleeping arrangement here, and you aren't causing me any difficulty, career-wise or other. Understand?"

Eren nodded, though he still looked doubtful.

Levi smirked slightly. "Besides, if you didn't stay here, who would I have to vent to? I'd just be up here, ranting to no one in particular. They'd think I'd finally lost it."

Eren chuckled slightly, amused at Levi's deduction.

Levi smiled slightly, sliver eyes scrutinizing the boy at the foot of his bed. "You're a better conversationalist than you think, Jager."

It was true. Jager knew when to be particularly quiet and simply nod, when Levi was particularly irritated, or to laugh at the blunders of the rookies when they offended one of Levi's pet peeves, or even ask questions when he didn't understand the stupid mistakes his peers or other officers were making.

Jager might not have been the most educated, but he picked up on things quickly, and worked hard to learn when he struggled with a topic. Levi admired that.

"Yeah, well, you're not as boring as most of the other officers." Eren admitted.

"Huh?" Levi looked up, surprised, and Eren laughed.

"No, really. Hanji-san is always trying to make me turn into a titan, and Erwin is always asking me questions I don't understand, and Mike is always just… _sniffing_ me. If I had to rank you all as a people I like to converse with, it'd be you.

Levi hid his surprised expression, instead electing to be silent.

"So, yeah. Compared to Hanji's shouting about titans and Erwin's deep philosophical questions, I find your shit jokes and rants about the rookies quite amusing. Especially considering I used to be the rookie around here." Eren smirked, wagging his eyebrows at him.

Levi rolled his eyes to hide his smirk. Though his expression betrayed nothing, the affirmation from Eren that he was considered more than a friend than an officer made his heart sore. He hadn't had a friend like that since… since his first expedition. He'd forgotten how much he missed being thought of as a treasured companion, rather than a pain-in-the-ass officer.

Still, none of it showed on his face, and he simply rolled his eyes, reaching over for the candle.

"Tch. Whatever you say, kid." He gave Eren a twinkling look, which the mossy-eyed brat eagerly returned, before blowing out the flame.

"Goodnight, Levi."

"Tch. Goodnight, brat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! You guys inspire me! :)


	22. Abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Eren and Levi struggle to cope with the slaughter of the Levi Squad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I haven't updated in awhile! Please don't take my tardiness as a sign of a poor fic- I'm on break from college (going for nursing) and finally got around to updating after the holidays. Thanks for waiting! 
> 
> Finally, this can be read as pre-Ereri, if you really want it to, but I prefer to see it as two totally lost human beings finding comfort in one another's presence. Please review- I want to know how you guys see it and how I did! :)

The castle was empty- the quiet was unnatural, and a lonely figure made his way up the steps, boots thudding hollowly on the stone steps. The sound echoed.

His limbs felt like they were filled with led, and his leg throbbed painfully. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind he should get the injury tended to, but rational thought had abandoned him long ago- if not when he'd discovered his squad, then it'd certainly gone when he'd tossed their bodies out of the wagons, into the dirt below.

He was exhausted- the kind of bone-deep exhaustion that sleep couldn't fix. He still remembered finding them- Gunther, disemboweled, dangling limply from the trees, fleshy pink entrails hanging out like some sort of grotesque decoration. He didn't even have time to cut him down- he'd been in such a rush- he knew his squad needed his help.

Eld- lying in the grass. Petra, leant awkwardly against a tree, body poised unnaturally, blood smeared on her face.

Auruo- lying dead in the grass, an expression of utter despair on his face.

He was dead inside. Absolutely dead. He'd been running on autopilot when he'd had to stop that raven haired brat from getting herself killed, and he'd managed to save Eren in the process. But the whole squad was dead, and he refused to celebrate any victory when so much had been lost.

He took another laborious step, biting back a grunt of pain as his injured leg protested. He was nearing the top of the stairs, now, almost to his room- to blessed sleep.

Petra's father had looked lost. He'd looked baffled- one moment nervously discussing his daughter's wedding, the next realizing his daughter was dead, and that her body was rotting in a field somewhere because Levi hadn't been strong enough.

The man he let out an anguished cry, falling to his knees- it had been painful to watch. The man had pounded his fists into the ground and screamed, and Levi had just watched the heart broken man, appearing cold, soulless. How could he be heartbroken when his heart had already been shattered?

In some small way, he'd wished the man would yell and scream. He'd wanted the man to strike him, wanted the blows and hateful words to rain down on him- it'd be easier to deal with than the guilt. At least with the pain, the hurt and the bruises- he would've felt punished. Pain, sweet, sweet ablution from the sins of neglect. He'd finally get what he deserved.

But he hadn't, and the man had just laid on the ground, sobbing brokenly. There hadn't been a damn thing Levi could do for the man, as friends had rushed to carry the grief-stricken father home, and Levi had simply trudged along with the procession, waiting for death to take him as well. Death had always been a disappointing bastard.

He made it to the top of the stairs, huffing painfully. He was almost to his room- he wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Sleep- a little taste of death, but without the forever commitment. Death never could commit to anything.

He stumbled down the hallway roughly, swinging open the door to his room and letting the heavy oak wood fall closed behind him. He fell onto his bed, the pillow muffling a groan as his leg ignited as though struck by lightning.

Sleep didn't come, however, and he couldn't help but feel he was forgetting something. He opened his half-lidded eyes, looking around blearily. Everything in the room seemed to be in place, neat and orderly as always….

Except for the empty cot at the foot of his bed.

He was on his feet so quickly his injured leg buckled, and he stumbled, barely catching himself on the dresser and muttering curses all the while. He threw the door open with reckless abandon, stumbling towards the staircase.

"Eren!? Where the hell are you!?" There was no response- the survivors were still working outside to unhitch the remaining horses.

Levi stumbled into the kitchen, shouting roughly, scanning the kitchen frantically. One knife was absent from it's sheath in the knife block, and Levi gaped, wide eyed-

"Eren fucking Jager! Answer me right now!" he should've known the boy would've been crushed by everything that happened. His heart was raging in his chest, pounding on his glass ribs like a steel hammer, and he was ready to break.

Where the hell would the boy be?

The dungeons- the thought hit him with the force of a brick, and his blood ran cold- of course Eren would've retreated to the darkness of the dungeon to indulge his old habits….

Levi had just lost his entire squad, and now, because of his own idiocy, he might just lose the boy as well….

He threw open the door to the dungeons, pitching forward harshly and nearly tumbling down before he rightened himself, clattering painfully down the stone steps and into the dank air….

He could hear muffled sobbing, and his heart rate increased tenfold. His lungs were about to burst, but he took the stairs two at a time anyways, eyes watering in pain as his leg protested harshly.

The sobbing was louder, now, and he turned the corner to the familiar cell, seeing a hunched figure sitting on the stone slab that'd been a bed.

He pulled the door open, stumbling inside. The dull glow of a single candle illuminated the crimson dripping onto the stones, mixing with the tears.

Levi stopped dead, eyes wide. Jager was raking the blade over his skin, again and again, rocking back and forth, teeth tearing into his sleeve to muffle the frantic sobs.

"Eren…." Cuts crisscrossed the tan flesh, droplets spattering the gritty stone like paint.

Eren couldn't see him around his glassy wet eyes, shaking each time the blade cleaved down with reckless abandon.

" _Eren! Stop!"_

The boy wasn't listening- Levi wondered if he could even hear him. He seemed so lost in his world of hatred and pain, and Levi felt himself begin to panic- what if he'd lost Eren for good this time, what if the boy had finally succumbed to the torture of his own mind?

"Eren, godammit, you're going to destroy yourself!" Levi reached over, seizing the hand that held the silver knife in his own hands. He could feel Eren's hand shaking within his own, before the knife clattered to the floor, the blade bouncing on the cold stone, acting as a gruesome paintbrush as it spread hated crimson on the floor.

Eren looked up at him with cloudy green eyes.

"Levi." His voice was raw from all his sobbing. "I'm sorry, Levi- it was all my fault."

"Oh Eren…." Levi looked down sadly as the red cascaded down the boy's arms. He fumbled in the dim light, trying his best to slow the bleeding as he reprimanded himself.

He should've known. If losing the squad had been enough to push him into self-hatred, then it would've done the same for Eren. And Eren had obviously felt the need to punish himself….

More crimson blossomed on the floor, and Levi frowned, pulling off his jacket and pressing the fabric to the wounds, hoping to slow the bleeding.

Tears were still running down the boy's face, his green eyes cloudy.

"…all my fault…."

"You did what was best in the moment, Eren…."

"They're all _dead!"_

"It wasn't your fault!"

"I'm so sorry, Levi, you weren't there, they told me to run, so I did, and I looked back and they were _all dead…."_

"Be quiet, Eren." Levi didn't want to hear the details. He'd seen the carnage himself. Right now he simply wanted slow the bleeding enough so he could get Eren upstairs.

" _But it's my fault!"_

"Quit lying to yourself, dammit! You keep on blaming yourself, but you _aren't a god, Eren! You can't save everyone, titan-shifter or not!_ You just can't accept the fact that sometimes you're _powerless!_ Sometimes there's _nothing you can do!_ But you have a god-complex, and you're going to _destroy yourself_ if you keep blaming yourself for everything!"

His leg was filled with frayed copper wires- with each laborious step he took up the stone steps, the more the broken ends of the wires touched, erupting in a shower of sharks, sending electrifying pain up his legs.

"I'm not going to lose you too, Eren, you understand me!? You're all that's left, and I'll… I'll keep you safe, okay?" he was wheezing painfully, shaking from the exertion and pain.

Eren said nothing, dissolving into hiccuping sobs. He was beginning to calm down, though his arms were still bleeding.

Levi had no idea how he managed to drag the boy up to his quarters in his condition, but somehow, he managed to. He deposited the shaking body onto his bed- Eren had cried himself into exhaustion, and was about to fall asleep.

Even though he was barely coherent, ready to collapse from exhaustion, he tore the sheets of his bed into make-shift bandages and wrapped Eren's arms in them, stumbling over to close the door to his room.

He was too concerned and exhausted to care when he fell into his bed beside Jager, putting his arms around the shaking, tortured frame and resting his head on the boy's chest.

He absolutely hated himself, but he fought back the demons, the hatred, the pain that threatened to swallow him whole. The guilt over his squad's deaths were forgotten when he breathed in the familiar scent of pine and leather- _Eren._ The one squad member he had left.

He wouldn't lose him.

As humanity's hope and humanity's strongest fell into a light, tortured sleep, an abandoned knife was left to cool in the darkness of the dungeons, abandoned to rust. It wasn't needed anymore.


	23. Forged in Fire

Sunlight streamed through the window onto the jaggedly torn sheets draped over two still bodies. Flecks of dust floated in the golden rays, hovering in the still morning air.

Levi opened his eyes blearily, blinking in the sunlight, surprised. The images of the past day came flooding to the forefront of his mind, and the dam was broken. His nails, with dried blood beneath them that wasn't his own, dug into the pillow as he bit his lip to muffle the sobs. He'd lost everything.

He couldn't hear anything over the cascading waves of grief, the sound of his own heart pounding in his ears, the choking sounds of his stifled sobs. Until he heard that muffled voice calling his name, the sensation of a hand on his shoulder….

He rolled over, surprised, before coming face to face with concerned green eyes.

"L-Levi? I-I'm sorry- I'm sorry about the squad, and about what I did to my arms- I shouldn't have done that. I-I don't really know what to say, but… do you want to talk about it?" Eren looked over at him hesitantly.

Levi looked over at the boy laying beside him in his bed- his throat was raw from the sheer force of his sobs, and he said nothing, instead simply lunging forward and wrapping his arms around the boy. Eren smelled of pine and metal, the lingering scent of blood.

But over it all, he could smell the scent of Eren. He couldn't say a damn word- his body felt as though he'd been dragged behind a wild horse, and he shuddered, overwhelmed by the shock and pain of it all, still holding tightly to Eren, who made no move to let him go.

As he slipped back into an exhausted sleep, though, one thought surfaced in his grief clouded mind- he had been so focused on all that he'd lost, it came as a welcoming surprise to know that he hadn't lost everything. The brat was still here.

* * *

By dinner time, things were returned to a false sense of normalcy. Levi had gotten up and bathed, washing away the blood and grime. A fresh pair of clothes and a quick shave was all he needed before he flung himself into paperwork- there were mountains of it, and for once, he was thankful for it. It distracted him from the unnatural quiet of the castle around him.

Eren sat at his usual place beside him, shuffling half-heartedly through the papers Levi handed to him. Both were tight-lipped, struggling not to shatter the thin ice upon their lake of tranquility.

Finally, when they both couldn't take it any longer. He pushed back his chair and stood, nodding to Eren. The tall brunet wordlessly fell into step beside his superior and friend, and they made their way down the hallway, both making a conscious effort to ignore how barren of life the halls were, how they seemed haunted by the familiar voices that wouldn't fill them anymore.

Once they'd reached the grass of the lawn, they strode towards the woods.

"D-did you want to talk, Levi?" Eren stuttered hesitantly.

Levi nodded quietly, pondering how he was going to say what he wanted to say. He licked his lips, which were suddenly dry, before he reached the right words and spoke.

"We're going to be having our counseling sessions again."

Eren nodded. After the way he'd lost control of himself last night, he understood.

"And I'd like to thank you for talking to me this morning. It was… nice of you…. It's been awhile since I've had a friend I can trust like that."

Eren looked surprised. "It's nothing worth thanking me for, Levi. You've been there for me through so much- it only makes sense I'd do the same for you. I mean, that's what friends do, right?"

Levi was slightly surprised by the knowledge, but he nodded, seeing the truth in the statement. Jager was right. Nevertheless, they were going to have a hard time getting through this and adjusting to the change.

"So… what's the plan? Where do we go from here?" Eren picked at a loose thread on his sleeve nervously. Levi noticed the nervous fidgeting but said nothing, instead focusing on the small sound of his boot coming into contact with the grass.

"We take back Wall Maria. We won't let their sacrifices be in vain." Levi looked over at the brunette standing beside him in the grass. "And you will remain at my side at all times. Until we defeat them all. Understood?"

"Perfectly, Sir." eren nodded seriously, before giving that sidelong grin to his best friend. Levi rolled his eyes at the boy's expression- he would've ruffled the boy's hair, if the brat hadn't been too goddamn tall.

They kept walking, the sunlight kissing any exposed skin as it bathed the two hell-worn heroes. Steeped in tragedy, smothered by pain, they emerged wounded, but would heal to become stronger than ever before.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment! I love all feedback, especially with angsty fics such as this! :)


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